Fighting the Storm Cloud

Even after 2 1/2 years since the police first knocked on my door at 6:20am and 1 1/2 years into my husbands incarceration you would think that I would have gotten over all the emotional issues by now.  Well I am here to tell you that that is definitely not the case. 

Granted, things are tremendously better.  I have more good, dare I say great days, than bad days but those bad days still manage to sneak into my life.  Why are there bad days?  Heck, I wish I knew.  I just wake up some mornings with this awful sense of dread hanging around.  It feels like a dark rain cloud is following me around.  For example,  this morning I woke up, put on the work out clothes and headed down to the treadmill.  Spent my 30 minutes listening to my upbeat exercise music and working out.  Jumped in the shower and suddenly, I just feel awful.  Why?  Exercise is supposed to make you happier, it is supposed to increase endorphins...not for me this morning. 

I finish getting ready for work and out the door I go.  The whole drive to work all I can think about is how I do not want to go.  The sun is shining, it is a beautiful day, the sun roof is open and yet I feel like Eeyore looking up at the storm cloud following me.  I can not put a label on why I feel this way.  Nothing new has happened, things have been relatively normal and nothing is upsetting the apple cart so why do I want bury my head in the pillow and hide?  At times feeling like I am on the verge of tears, why?  I have yet to figure this one out. 

I feel bad about feeling bad because I tend to be shorter with the kids.  My patience is gone and one comment that may have been glossed over some other time suddenly becomes a hot button.  I almost want to wear a warning sign that tells them to proceed with caution when around me when I feel this way. 

The funny thing is, it goes as quickly and as quietly as it comes.  It may be gone by lunch, linger all day or simply hide beneath the surface until some small "thing" brings it back up.  Is it the loneliness, anger, self-pity, sadness or simply just exhaustion?  The possible list is endless and it could be any combination.  How do you combat the unknown  How do you fight it when it appears?  I keep trying to look for the positive but I think it is my mind giving me a day off from trying so hard to be happy during a difficult situation. This experience did not came with a map or an owners manual and for someone who actually reads the instruction book, that seems to be a problem.