Time is progressing, in a few short months I will get to make the last visit to the prison to pick up my husband. There has been rumblings at home, an occasional comment here and there about the upcoming summer changes. Nothing bad, just indications that we are all aware that change is again in our future.
There is a bunch of thoughts running through my head, some of which are extremely personal or just generally practical. I am not sure I could begin to cover all of them. The following is a list of some of the many thoughts that might race through my head at any given moment:
-How do we handle having another driver in the house and needing another car at some point?
-How much time do I take off to help do everything that will need to be done, if any at all?
-What happens if he can't find a job relatively quickly?
-How much have the two of us changed and will we like who the other has become?
-Will all the relationships be repairable?
-Will extended family and close friends accept him once he gets home again?
-Or will we have to deal with people who do not want him around or are uncomfortable with him?
-What will it be like being part of a married couple again?
-What will it be like being alone together after so long alone and apart?
-Do we attend our community church as a family or go someplace where we are unknown?
-Will some people even recognize him?
-What do you tell the new acquaintances in our lives who do not know about him when they now meet him?
-What will it be like to have someone snore all night and keep me awake...yuck?
-How much of what happened to him will he want to talk about or will I want to hear about?
-What limitations or restrictions will we have to face?
-Should I tell myself not to expect too much too soon to avoid disappointment?
-Will his being home start the gossip mills running in the community?
-Will people in the community come out, forgive him, accept him and move beyond the past?
-Will his coming home have an adverse affect on the kids in any way?
-Can we hope for a return to normalcy sometime in the future?
-What will it be like to have an adult conversation at home?
-How will his being home affect my relationship with friends who still have loved ones behind bars?
-Will we all make it through this and stay together as a family?
-How will his being home affect my current relationship with my in-laws?
-Will our daily lives change dramatically?
-What unforeseen issues will we all have to learn to deal with?
-How long will it take before we notice that things are doing fine and back to normal?
-Will it be awkward when it is just the two of us initially?
-How will those first few days go?
-Will he be as nervous as I feel when we are together again?
-Will our marriage be better from now on, better than it was before?
-How will the kids friends behave with him being home?
This is just the tip of the iceberg of thoughts floating around at any given time in my head. I know there are really no answers to most of these questions but I can think about them, plan for some and just pray for the others. And of course just hope for the best.
Tuesday, February 26, 2013
Tuesday, February 5, 2013
An Emotional Whirlwind
Time seems to be moving quickly or slowly, on any given day my perception changes by the minute. There are so many things to plan for and yet time to think about all that the remaining year holds for us all. That is enough to set us all on edge both with the excitement that we will all be under one roof and with the anxiety that we will all be under one roof.
When my husband began his incarceration I had gotten rid of most of his clothes. It was something we had discussed and had agreed that I would do. As is turns out he informed me yesterday that he has lost a total of 60 lbs since he first went in. He is exercising, trying to eat healthy and learning portion control so none of his old clothes would have fit him anyway. Rebuilding his wardrobe on a limited budget is now another task I have in front of me.
Originally we had hoped that he would be in a halfway house a few months ago but that was denied, but looking at the timing now, I think that was supposed to happen. With his actual release date, he will come home while all the kids are home for summer break. Everyone can get reacquainted and readjusted to living in the same house without all the pressure from school and public influences. It will be a long summer before the kids have to deal with Dad coming to some of their public events. The kids are already worried about the whispering and commotion that his homecoming might bring.
We all have so many emotions, torn between wanting him to be home with us and being a family, and having to reopen some old wounds and deal with the "shame" that we have all left behind. That is not to say that he could not come home without a bump in our lives, the rest of the world could leave us alone and not give us a second look. But it is in the uncertainty of what could happen that the anxiety comes up.
Relationships need to be rebuilt, as husband and wife, as father and son, as a member of the household, as a member of the church, as a neighbor and as a person within our small community. None of that will happen overnight and most of it will not be easy. I am confident that it will be easier for us than some of the other things we have already endured. It will be a true test to how much my husband has grown and changed as to how well he handles it all. He will be facing the public for the first time, when we have all already walked those paths. I will be there for him to lean on but that means that I will be reliving many of those same emotions from when we all sent through those same experiences.
We talk of expectations and pray for the best. I have seen hints of goodness and hope that is more of what the future holds than the alternative. The future is uncertain, but that does not mean bad things, it just means that for a while we will loose this normal we have come to know only to move on and morph into yet a another period we so lovingly refer to as our "new normal".
When my husband began his incarceration I had gotten rid of most of his clothes. It was something we had discussed and had agreed that I would do. As is turns out he informed me yesterday that he has lost a total of 60 lbs since he first went in. He is exercising, trying to eat healthy and learning portion control so none of his old clothes would have fit him anyway. Rebuilding his wardrobe on a limited budget is now another task I have in front of me.
Originally we had hoped that he would be in a halfway house a few months ago but that was denied, but looking at the timing now, I think that was supposed to happen. With his actual release date, he will come home while all the kids are home for summer break. Everyone can get reacquainted and readjusted to living in the same house without all the pressure from school and public influences. It will be a long summer before the kids have to deal with Dad coming to some of their public events. The kids are already worried about the whispering and commotion that his homecoming might bring.
We all have so many emotions, torn between wanting him to be home with us and being a family, and having to reopen some old wounds and deal with the "shame" that we have all left behind. That is not to say that he could not come home without a bump in our lives, the rest of the world could leave us alone and not give us a second look. But it is in the uncertainty of what could happen that the anxiety comes up.
Relationships need to be rebuilt, as husband and wife, as father and son, as a member of the household, as a member of the church, as a neighbor and as a person within our small community. None of that will happen overnight and most of it will not be easy. I am confident that it will be easier for us than some of the other things we have already endured. It will be a true test to how much my husband has grown and changed as to how well he handles it all. He will be facing the public for the first time, when we have all already walked those paths. I will be there for him to lean on but that means that I will be reliving many of those same emotions from when we all sent through those same experiences.
We talk of expectations and pray for the best. I have seen hints of goodness and hope that is more of what the future holds than the alternative. The future is uncertain, but that does not mean bad things, it just means that for a while we will loose this normal we have come to know only to move on and morph into yet a another period we so lovingly refer to as our "new normal".
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