Got some news a few weeks back that initially did not make me happy. It has taken me a while to make peace with the idea and all that it will entail, but as of this moment in time I feel calm with what lies ahead for us. I can not say I am excited or thrilled because there are way too many unanswered questions yet but we will face them as they come.
My husband was called into his counselors office and given a letter that denied his request to move into our family members home. Reasons were given that if was "too far off the grid" and he had no direct connections to the area. That federal district declined his transfer to their jurisdiction. We had hoped that he could go to that house so he could be close to some other family, he would be away from this community and for the time being would keep law enforcement out of my children's lives as long as possible. While he is under BOP supervision they can come into our home at any time and search whatever and where ever they want. We wanted to keep this away from the kids as long as possible.
What choice did we have now, well now he has no place else to be released to except home. Initially I was very upset because we had made plans that we thought were in the best interest of everyone involved but the government now regulates so much of our lives that they are telling us that we can not do what we wanted. Now we have to start all over and face the reality that he has no place else to come home to except here.
The first step was reconciling it for myself. Part of me is happy that he will once again be in the house but I am scared (that is the word) of the unknown. I have no idea how this is going to impact our lives. It has taken us many years to get to the point where we consider our lives normal and now that will all change and I have no control over how. I fear for the imposition on the lives of my children and yes, they are still children. Wiser minds than mine have pointed out to me that I have a "date", a real "date" when he will be transferred back to this area and it is within this calendar year. That is so much more than they have, they still have abstract release dates somewhere out in the future.
The next step for me was to tell the kids, being that my oldest will be in college, it had very little impact on him, my youngest was just excited that Dad would be coming home, but my daughter, who is way too much like me, is torn between having her father home and the potential problems that come with him. We talked for a while and decided that it was silly to worry over the unknown at such an early time. As it stands today, we all have our thoughts on how things will play out, but we are just living and enjoying the time we have now.
And for those of you who are wondering, I had hoped that I would be able to pick him up on his "date" and take him to the halfway house myself so we could spend some time together but the government said no to that to. Apparently the BOP has a rule that if it is more than an 8 hour drive they REQUIRE the inmate to take public transportation. WHAT? They are the ones that placed my husband so far away from us and now they are dictating how he gets home. He will now have to spend 17 hours or so on a Greyhound bus because it is a 9-10 hour drive home. Guess what that means for you as taxpayers, that means you are paying for his transportation and money for any food and necessities on his way here. Instead of me footing the bill and giving him a chance to spend time with his family, he will come back to the area on the taxpayers dime while subsidizing the Greyhound bus system. The BOP claims that they have had problems in the past with car trouble and delays with inmates getting where they need to be on time. I took my fair share of buses in the past and I can tell you that they have a far greater chance of not being on time than most people would.
So what have I learned this month? I have learned that you do not make any plans or assumptions where the federal government is concerned. They will do the complete opposite of what is in the best interest of the taxpayer and they always act contrary to the wisdom they espouse, but that is a topic for another day.
Friday, January 27, 2012
Sunday, January 22, 2012
Do You Cut the Ties or Just Accept Them
Recently I have had experiences with close family members that gets me wondering once again "when is it time to just cut the ties to maintain your own sanity?".
One family has a habit of always promising the world and NEVER following through. Big things, little things, insignificant things and life changing things, it does not matter. They are mostly things that they volunteer for. I learned a long time ago to stop asking them for anything yet they get my hopes up when they offer to do these things and still never follow through. Intellectually I know not to expect anything of them, but when it is such an important thing, I get my hopes up that maybe this time they will really do it. Once again I am tragically disappointed when they drop the ball.
Is it really my problem and not theirs? Obviously I know that this is their weakness, so is it my responsibility to not let them get my hopes up, I should know what to expect after all. It is easy to let the little things go by because they are not so big. I can just chalk their promises as the empty words that they are and know that nothing will ever come of them, or I could just be pleasantly surprised if they actually followed through. Imagine my surprise when that day ever comes...
What really gets me is when they make promises for once in a lifetime events and not only never follow through, they never even acknowledge that they made that offer. As an example, they offered to be here with us the day my husband went in for his sentencing and they never called to say they were not coming, they never called at all. There have been other times over the last few years when they have made just as important offers and then nothing. Am I to continue accepting them for what they are? Suppress my disappointment because I should know better than to expect anything?
There is a fine line for me, I am being told that I should put up with them, I know how they are so I should be the bigger person and just be OK with it all. Sometimes I get so tired of always being the bigger person, being the bigger person seems to take so much out of me. Could be because I do put so much thought into everything, that I think too much about those around me, but if I am to accept them for who they are then they should know that about me.
Another close relationship has just continued to show what kind of person they really are. I have always said that the only thing that keeps me tied to this person is the family relationship. If I had ever just met them, they would never be anyone that I would consider making a friend because they exhibit none of the qualities that I find noble. They are not someone that I would want to introduce as a friend and offer as a roll model for others. I have tried for many years and have yet to find any positive qualities. How long do you continue to make someone like this part of your life? They are a toxic personality and bring no joy to any family function so when is it OK to say enough is enough? They recently made it clear that they have not changed over the last few years and probably never will.
Do you just grin and bear it when dealing with these family members or is there a time when it is OK to cut the ties and move on to a better and less stressful time? Somewhere in this big puzzle is a lesson that we all have to learn. Is there a right or wrong answer, is it even a black and white situation? Will have to wait and see...
One family has a habit of always promising the world and NEVER following through. Big things, little things, insignificant things and life changing things, it does not matter. They are mostly things that they volunteer for. I learned a long time ago to stop asking them for anything yet they get my hopes up when they offer to do these things and still never follow through. Intellectually I know not to expect anything of them, but when it is such an important thing, I get my hopes up that maybe this time they will really do it. Once again I am tragically disappointed when they drop the ball.
Is it really my problem and not theirs? Obviously I know that this is their weakness, so is it my responsibility to not let them get my hopes up, I should know what to expect after all. It is easy to let the little things go by because they are not so big. I can just chalk their promises as the empty words that they are and know that nothing will ever come of them, or I could just be pleasantly surprised if they actually followed through. Imagine my surprise when that day ever comes...
What really gets me is when they make promises for once in a lifetime events and not only never follow through, they never even acknowledge that they made that offer. As an example, they offered to be here with us the day my husband went in for his sentencing and they never called to say they were not coming, they never called at all. There have been other times over the last few years when they have made just as important offers and then nothing. Am I to continue accepting them for what they are? Suppress my disappointment because I should know better than to expect anything?
There is a fine line for me, I am being told that I should put up with them, I know how they are so I should be the bigger person and just be OK with it all. Sometimes I get so tired of always being the bigger person, being the bigger person seems to take so much out of me. Could be because I do put so much thought into everything, that I think too much about those around me, but if I am to accept them for who they are then they should know that about me.
Another close relationship has just continued to show what kind of person they really are. I have always said that the only thing that keeps me tied to this person is the family relationship. If I had ever just met them, they would never be anyone that I would consider making a friend because they exhibit none of the qualities that I find noble. They are not someone that I would want to introduce as a friend and offer as a roll model for others. I have tried for many years and have yet to find any positive qualities. How long do you continue to make someone like this part of your life? They are a toxic personality and bring no joy to any family function so when is it OK to say enough is enough? They recently made it clear that they have not changed over the last few years and probably never will.
Do you just grin and bear it when dealing with these family members or is there a time when it is OK to cut the ties and move on to a better and less stressful time? Somewhere in this big puzzle is a lesson that we all have to learn. Is there a right or wrong answer, is it even a black and white situation? Will have to wait and see...
Sunday, January 1, 2012
A Message of Hope for the New Year
The holidays are such a difficult time of the year. It seems that I am responsible for making the holidays a special time of the year for so many. I have to keep the holidays special for the kids which goes without saying, but it seems that the responsibilities for that at work have also fallen on my shoulders. Normally I do not mind but you do not realize how much it takes out of you when no one is infusing you with the spirit. Well, I did manage to get through it all, today begins a new year and what do I wake up to? This awful feeling in the pit of my stomach that I do not completely understand where it comes from.
I am dog sitting for a friend of mine and had her pacing around waiting to go outside. I did not even want to go to Sunday services. Why? I ask myself and no answer comes to me. I could think of no reason not to go. Things have been going well considering and I have been enjoying a few days without work. I have been getting things accomplished, finishing some wonderful books, spending time with the kids, so why do I feel so off. That does not matter to the dog, she needed to go out and no one else was up to take her out. So I threw on my coat and sneakers and out the door we headed.
Of course we are out walking during the prime "going to church" time. As we start down the street I feel the tears start to well up and before you know it I am crying as we are walking down the shoulder of the road. Sometimes I feel like a soda bottle that has been shaken, it can be left alone for awhile but it eventually needs to be opened or it will burst. What a sight I must have been, walking down the street in my red Christmas pajamas, winter coat, walking a small dog and tears running down my face.
But the title of this entry is "A Message of Hope" so you must be asking where is the hope in all this, let me continue. As we headed down the street I was trying to figure out what is the source of these feelings when I noticed what a beautiful morning it was. Considering we live in snow country we have had little to no snow this winter, of which I am glad that I do not have to shovel or drive in it, although I am hoping for enough snow when we make our winter ski trips. The sun was shining beautifully, the sky was a crystal shade of blue with white, thin, wispy clouds. It was not too cold or too windy. My winter coat was even a bit too heavy for the temperature. I could not have asked for a better morning or a better way to start the New Year, especially since I was up and moving (exercising) on the first day of the new year.
Was someone sending me a message? No matter how we feel at any given moment, there is always hope that things will get better. No matter how I felt inside the beauty outside could not keep me from feeling bad forever. I immediately began to think of all the things I am blessed with; being here with my children, a husband who loves me, everyone is healthy, we have a roof over our heads, I have a job that keeps that roof and a special circle of friends who fit me into their busy lives to make sure we are doing OK. What more do I need?
A hope for the New Year that this one will be better than the last. As each year passes we get closer to being a family again. But our lives are constantly changing so even then things will never be what they were. My oldest is getting his acceptance letters for colleges, none of which are close to home. As someone who went away to school myself I am excited for him, but as his mother my heart is breaking that he will be so far away. Everything changes. I have struggled to keep a foundation for our family, and when I look at us as an outsider would, I can see that we are doing well enough.
The message for me today, I could have gone to Sunday services and had someone else tell me that the future is what we make it and that it can only get better but I think God had a greater plan. He needed me to realize that for myself, to stop and see the beauty that is there for us to see anytime we stop and really open our eyes. He needed me to know for myself that the future is bright and the lessons we have learned are all part of His greater plan. As long as there is hope in your heart then you have everything you could possibly need. So back to the title, I wish everyone a year filled with hope, with hope comes joy, happiness and unlimited potential.
...when I got back from my walk, the weather for the rest of the day was a weather alert for snow, high winds and lakeshore flooding...I had a good laugh!
I am dog sitting for a friend of mine and had her pacing around waiting to go outside. I did not even want to go to Sunday services. Why? I ask myself and no answer comes to me. I could think of no reason not to go. Things have been going well considering and I have been enjoying a few days without work. I have been getting things accomplished, finishing some wonderful books, spending time with the kids, so why do I feel so off. That does not matter to the dog, she needed to go out and no one else was up to take her out. So I threw on my coat and sneakers and out the door we headed.
Of course we are out walking during the prime "going to church" time. As we start down the street I feel the tears start to well up and before you know it I am crying as we are walking down the shoulder of the road. Sometimes I feel like a soda bottle that has been shaken, it can be left alone for awhile but it eventually needs to be opened or it will burst. What a sight I must have been, walking down the street in my red Christmas pajamas, winter coat, walking a small dog and tears running down my face.
But the title of this entry is "A Message of Hope" so you must be asking where is the hope in all this, let me continue. As we headed down the street I was trying to figure out what is the source of these feelings when I noticed what a beautiful morning it was. Considering we live in snow country we have had little to no snow this winter, of which I am glad that I do not have to shovel or drive in it, although I am hoping for enough snow when we make our winter ski trips. The sun was shining beautifully, the sky was a crystal shade of blue with white, thin, wispy clouds. It was not too cold or too windy. My winter coat was even a bit too heavy for the temperature. I could not have asked for a better morning or a better way to start the New Year, especially since I was up and moving (exercising) on the first day of the new year.
Was someone sending me a message? No matter how we feel at any given moment, there is always hope that things will get better. No matter how I felt inside the beauty outside could not keep me from feeling bad forever. I immediately began to think of all the things I am blessed with; being here with my children, a husband who loves me, everyone is healthy, we have a roof over our heads, I have a job that keeps that roof and a special circle of friends who fit me into their busy lives to make sure we are doing OK. What more do I need?
A hope for the New Year that this one will be better than the last. As each year passes we get closer to being a family again. But our lives are constantly changing so even then things will never be what they were. My oldest is getting his acceptance letters for colleges, none of which are close to home. As someone who went away to school myself I am excited for him, but as his mother my heart is breaking that he will be so far away. Everything changes. I have struggled to keep a foundation for our family, and when I look at us as an outsider would, I can see that we are doing well enough.
The message for me today, I could have gone to Sunday services and had someone else tell me that the future is what we make it and that it can only get better but I think God had a greater plan. He needed me to realize that for myself, to stop and see the beauty that is there for us to see anytime we stop and really open our eyes. He needed me to know for myself that the future is bright and the lessons we have learned are all part of His greater plan. As long as there is hope in your heart then you have everything you could possibly need. So back to the title, I wish everyone a year filled with hope, with hope comes joy, happiness and unlimited potential.
...when I got back from my walk, the weather for the rest of the day was a weather alert for snow, high winds and lakeshore flooding...I had a good laugh!
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