Another milestone that my husband missed and will never get back...I just got back from taking my oldest son to his driver's license road test. He passed! I am thrilled for so many reasons, some are purely selfish. With another driver in the the house that means that I do not have to be the full time taxi driver. The prospect of not having to drop everything that I am doing to go pick some one up or take some one some where actually makes me giddy (not a word you hear very often). But reality quickly sets in when I am hit upside the head with the vision of ONE car in the driveway and THREE different schedules...not counting my own.
Although having another driver will take a small amount of pressure off me, and give my son the opportunity to learn some additional responsibilities, it will still not make a big enough change that I could have some, what do you call it? Free time? I had hopes of using some tax refund money to purchase an additional car and did sock some of it away, but unfortunately I don't think it will be enough to buy anything even remotely reliable. Three kids with too many needs, so I was not able to save as much as I had hoped. I am trying to plan out in my head how I can pinch those pennies until they scream to add to the savings and hope to put enough down on another car within the next couple of months. Hope is a powerful thing even if it seems unrealistic or at least out of my reach.
So here it is, yet another milestone that can never be recreated. I am losing count of all the events that he has not been a part of. Recently all three of my children where honored by the church diocese, a once in a lifetime achievement and he was not there. Ironically, I think one of the reasons they received the honor was because of my husband. Many people had commented on how great it was that the children continued their service to the church even during the worst of the storm that our family was going through. Like it or not, I told the kids, that they are role models for all the other people in the church.
My son will play his first Varsity baseball game, which for him is the highlight of the school year. My daughter will soon play her first JV softball game as the starting pitcher, not bad for an eighth grader. She will also have her first game with the regional softball travel team that she has been practicing with since last fall. My youngest son plays his last season of ball with Little League. Another season is soon to change, if the cold and snow ever finally leave. We are headed into a spring and summer that seem to hold a promise of better things to come.
I am not sorry to see the kids growing and maturing, because as a parent, if I have done my job right, that is what should happen. I love watching them change and evolve. I have recently discovered that my angry teenager remembered how to smile and carry on a conversation. I am rediscovering what a joy he can be to have around while silently dreading when the next one will enter that awful but seemingly necessary phase.
I remember their first steps, their first words and their first day of school and every first after that. As a parent I don't think any "first" is more important than another. There will be a first prom, a first high school graduation and a first day of college for my son. A first real boy friend, the perfect winning season and the next great story my daughter just can't wait to share when she jumps in the car. Time for my youngest son to learn what he likes, what he doesn't like, and which video game he will try to convince me to buy. Some of these are great moments, others are seemingly small, yet of such greater value to me. All of these things can be described in letters, and photos snapped and forwarded, but the true value and meaning can not begin to be recreated to be relived five hundred miles away in a federal prison.
I can only do what I can, I can't change the federal system by correcting all the flaws overnight. I can give my husband as much of our daily lives as I can. I can write down, snap photos and video tape everything that happens as much as possible, but unfortunately things will be lost in the distance and I am not sure those things can ever be recovered.
Monday, March 28, 2011
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
Communication is the Key to Strong Families
It is funny that I always seem to keep coming back to the same frustrations with the system. I have talked to many people and my husband has contact with many inmates and it seems that the greater percentages of relationships do not last when dealing with incarceration. I can solve the whole thing for you with one word COMMUNICATION! The "experts" claim that the best way to prevent reoffending is a strong family support system and a welcoming environment for the ex-offender to return to. But the practices put in place seem to encourage just the opposite.
I have made a decision at this point to stay with my husband and do whatever it takes to ensure that he can come home to stay with us. I married him for better or worse, (if this is the "worse", I have many years of "better" to look forward to) and I plan on honoring those vows. I am finding that this decision is a constant uphill battle. Usually we have three 15 minute phone calls during one week, I try to write and mail one letter everyday during the work week, and there is the quick e-mail that is available but costs him money every time he is on the e-mail system. And yet with all of these resources, there does not seem to be enough time to tell him everything a father and a husband should know. Having him located nine hours away does not help either. We have been able to see him two times in the last 2 1/2 years.
Everyday when I am driving to work or home I think about all the things I want to tell him; something funny one of the kids did, a recent sporting event where one of them excelled, something nice someone in the community said about him, family updates or just something that I thought he would like to hear. Unfortunately, I always seem to forget something. There are too many distractions when I am writing, too tired by then to remember everything, not enough time on the phone, or trying to limit the lengths of e-mail because of monetary constraints.
There is so much that he is missing, the day to day monotony of daily life. And selfishly I am missing talking to my best friend as often as I would like or need to. I miss sharing my day with someone, complaining about work or the kids or deciding who is going to make dinner and then clean up. I wonder if I have gotten out of the habit of talking about everything and nothing. When he does come home will we both have to learn how to communicate all over again?
Is that what destroys these relationships? It is hard work to keep this up day after day after being mom and dad to three kids. I still have to make time for him every night with a letter. He deserves that much of my time. I was shocked when I learned that he had been told that the letters would eventually stop, who gives up on something so important so easily? It is hard, I will admit that, but being married is hard too.
There are things that the Bureau of Prisons could do to make it easier, but for their own reasons, they believe that what they are doing is acceptable. I would love to argue that point with them anytime. Better locations, closer to families, more monthly phone time and more readily available access to e-mail. I can't even begin to question visiting policies, because that does not factor into our lifestyle enough to be a problem. But I have talked with others to know that visitations do not always go as smoothly as they could based on rules, locations and time of day or week.
Are these offenders being set up to fail when they get out? Are we creating a population that moves in and out of our prison systems to make sure that communities keep their largest employers, employees keep their jobs and companies keep their biggest customers? Why don't we take all the money that flows in and out of the prison system and put it into education. Communities can create new schools instead of prisons, employees can work in the schools instead of the prisons or at locations that offer alternatives to incarceration for the more minor offenders, and companies supply to the schools instead. Thinks about how smart our population would be with all the education if it was made affordable for everyone. We would not need as many prisons because a higher educated population is less likely to break the laws. What an interesting cycle we could create. We would have whole families living under one roof, the number one prevention of crime is a two parent household, and put an end to the vicious cycle of one generation after another ending up in prison.
I have made a decision at this point to stay with my husband and do whatever it takes to ensure that he can come home to stay with us. I married him for better or worse, (if this is the "worse", I have many years of "better" to look forward to) and I plan on honoring those vows. I am finding that this decision is a constant uphill battle. Usually we have three 15 minute phone calls during one week, I try to write and mail one letter everyday during the work week, and there is the quick e-mail that is available but costs him money every time he is on the e-mail system. And yet with all of these resources, there does not seem to be enough time to tell him everything a father and a husband should know. Having him located nine hours away does not help either. We have been able to see him two times in the last 2 1/2 years.
Everyday when I am driving to work or home I think about all the things I want to tell him; something funny one of the kids did, a recent sporting event where one of them excelled, something nice someone in the community said about him, family updates or just something that I thought he would like to hear. Unfortunately, I always seem to forget something. There are too many distractions when I am writing, too tired by then to remember everything, not enough time on the phone, or trying to limit the lengths of e-mail because of monetary constraints.
There is so much that he is missing, the day to day monotony of daily life. And selfishly I am missing talking to my best friend as often as I would like or need to. I miss sharing my day with someone, complaining about work or the kids or deciding who is going to make dinner and then clean up. I wonder if I have gotten out of the habit of talking about everything and nothing. When he does come home will we both have to learn how to communicate all over again?
Is that what destroys these relationships? It is hard work to keep this up day after day after being mom and dad to three kids. I still have to make time for him every night with a letter. He deserves that much of my time. I was shocked when I learned that he had been told that the letters would eventually stop, who gives up on something so important so easily? It is hard, I will admit that, but being married is hard too.
There are things that the Bureau of Prisons could do to make it easier, but for their own reasons, they believe that what they are doing is acceptable. I would love to argue that point with them anytime. Better locations, closer to families, more monthly phone time and more readily available access to e-mail. I can't even begin to question visiting policies, because that does not factor into our lifestyle enough to be a problem. But I have talked with others to know that visitations do not always go as smoothly as they could based on rules, locations and time of day or week.
Are these offenders being set up to fail when they get out? Are we creating a population that moves in and out of our prison systems to make sure that communities keep their largest employers, employees keep their jobs and companies keep their biggest customers? Why don't we take all the money that flows in and out of the prison system and put it into education. Communities can create new schools instead of prisons, employees can work in the schools instead of the prisons or at locations that offer alternatives to incarceration for the more minor offenders, and companies supply to the schools instead. Thinks about how smart our population would be with all the education if it was made affordable for everyone. We would not need as many prisons because a higher educated population is less likely to break the laws. What an interesting cycle we could create. We would have whole families living under one roof, the number one prevention of crime is a two parent household, and put an end to the vicious cycle of one generation after another ending up in prison.
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