You would think that after all this time I would get over the feelings of grief and loneliness that was such a large part of my life early on, but there are moments when I still feel those emotions as strongly as I did in the beginning.
Sitting at my daughters basketball game last night I had an overwhelming feeling of loneliness. There was absolutely no apparent reason for these feelings, it was just a wave that came over me. I was there alone, watching her game, and she was even winning. Maybe that was exactly why I felt that way. It was just another event that my husband would never get to see, it was a once in a life time moment that he will not be a part of. That feeling never seems to go away. I spend everyday living my life knowing that these moments are times that can never be recreated, they are moments that he will never be a part of or be able to carry the memories with him.
This morning as I was getting ready for work and the kids were already in school this awful feeling washed over me, making me feel like I wanted to sit in the middle of the floor and just cry. Cry for the loss that we all feel for this time that will never be repeated. Five years really is a small amount of time in the frame of my life and the stage I am at, but five years is such a long time in the life of a pre-teen. For them it is 1/3 of their life and it is such an important part of their development that I wonder what impact this loss will have on my children and their future. My youngest has discovered (at least for now) that he loves being on the swim team and my children were selected for a special honor from the church, where they will be honored at a special service next month, my husband will not be there. My youngest is so excited and wants to share with Dad but finds the words escaping him in his e-mails and tries to save everything for what few minutes he might get on a phone call.. Some things can not be fully relived via a limited phone call, e-mail, or letter, these are times only captured in my memories.
Even in my joy at being able to get to this point of the five years, to keep things normal for my kids and keep a roof over our heads, I still miss having the one person who is supposed to be my partner in my life. I celebrate life and do not wallow in self pity, but there is always that underlying feeling. Most days I am very good at burying it and focusing on the positive, but there are those moments when the ugly bubbles to the surface.
I am dog sitting for a friend and when the dog started barking in the middle of the night, a tremendous feeling of dread settled in the pit of my stomach. Normal people might worry that someone might be trying to break in, or that there was a strange animal outside the house, I however, was worried that the police were lining up outside my home, getting ready to burst in with guns drawn. I doubt that those feelings will ever go away, although the rational me knows that it would probably never happen again in my lifetime. The vulnerable me, the me in the middle of the night, or the me that no one in the world will ever see, still has that fear, feels my stomach move up into my throat, feels my heart stop beating and my palms start sweating at the sound of a foreign car in the driveway or headlights on the wall late at night. No amount of rational thinking will ever make those feelings go away, but I keep my fears to myself, no sense scaring anyone else.
So to those who think that things will get easier, I say "no". However, I do think I have become better equipped to handle things. I don't share my life with anyone anymore because I think they are done hearing about my family's incarceration, so they just believe the happy fairy tale that they see. And really that is OK with me too for the most part, I don't need to spend my time focusing on just one side of my life. Besides, that is what I see my counselor for.
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Please tell me that the feelings are at least a little easier. I have an almost physical pain in my chest because I miss my husband so much. No one can understand how I feel unless they have been through this before. I think the couple of friends that I have left think I should just get over it and move on. Believe me, I'd love to know how to move on. Sometimes I'm just paralyzed all day long.
ReplyDeleteI don't think you can ever really move on, especially if you still love your husband. I think we just become better at coping. This past weekend was hard for me only because I am tired of being both mother and father to three kids. But I will get up in the morning and start all over again.
ReplyDeleteThe feelings get easier only because I am more aware of them and suppress them when they inconveniently come to the surface. Just as if your spouse passed away, the grief would not just stop. It fades a bit or you learn that those feelings are now part of who you are.
I would love to tell you that it gets easier but it doesn't. It just becomes the new normal, at least it has for me. The ache in your chest might not happen as often, but it never goes away. The tears are always on the edge, and could start at the most unusual moments. (To stop the tears just before they start...clear your throat...it works every time)
Bless our friends they are wonderful, but they too loose sight of the fact that we live with this everyday. It is easy for them to offer advice because for them, "out of sight, is out of mind". Their lives haven't changed because your husband is no longer around, they don't spend every free moment thinking about what you had, what you are missing and what you may have possibly lost. Or fearful of what you will have when he eventually comes home again, will everyone be too different for it to work?
I don't mean to scare you, the sun does rise almost every day, and I definitely have more good days than bad days but it is in understanding the bad that I hope to grow as a person. A person who will have the strength, courage and sanity to keep it all together and have an intact family when this is all over.
Thank you for your words. It truly helps to have someone to talk with who is going through the same stuff. I wish you were my neighbor! LOL
ReplyDeleteI've just come across the blog. My boyfriend of two years has just been sent to federal prison, expected release date is early 2018. I'm beside myself with grief and panic. I can honestly say he's the love of my life. I was looking forward to a future with him, and it seem slike it's just gone. It seems like we'll never get to the point where he's out, and if we do, there are still so many wasted years. I'm terrified we won't get there at all. What if I die? What if he dies? I'm terrified of what he has to go through. In all of my life, thru all of the difficult times, the pain, the grief, the disappointment, the loss....if you add it all up, it doesn't even come close to the pain I'm feeling right now.
ReplyDeleteI've read through just a few of the blogs so far, and a few of the comments, and I can't even imagine going thru this as a parent. I wouldn't wish this pain on anyone, but your posts remind me that others do go through this too, and if you can make it through, find the strength to keep moving forward, especially with the added difficulties of children, it gives me hope that I'll make it to. And that he'll make it and be able to come home to me. Bless all of you and your families.