Surviving the Holidays Alone

Yeah!  I did it!  Another holiday season has come and gone and I survived.  I guess I must be getting better at everything although I do not feel like it is all that easy.

As much as I dread putting up the Christmas decorations, because much of it I do alone, I do enjoy seeing the lights and feeling the holiday spirit that comes from having them up.  For the last few years we have had an artificial tree, which truthfully makes the holiday much easier. I am not sure I would even get a tree if I had to go out, pick one, lug it home, bring it in and then try to put it up.  I will admit I love the smell of fresh pine but a good candle will do the trick just as well.  No tree to water and no needles to clean up either. 

We actually have 2 trees, one comes out of the box and has to be completely assembled but the other already has the lights on and is in 3 pieces.  Over the last few years I have become quite efficient at packing the ornaments away.  One or two boxes and everything is out for each tree, set up is as easy as possible and so is the pick up but it is still something else I have to do while still trying to do all my other responsibilities.  I think about every decoration I put up knowing that I will have to eventually put them all away. 

I struggle with making a nice Christmas for the family with keeping my sanity and not trying to do everything.  It is a battle that I sometimes feel I am winning and then others I am loosing.  Because of the age of the kids, they are mostly teenagers and sometimes (all the time?) take what I do for granted so it feels like I am pushing a boulder up hill and not making any progress.  I get upset that they do not seem to appreciate all that I am trying to do and let them know that they would miss it if I did not do it at all, but truth be told, I would miss it too. 

But I think I achieved a level of success this year.  There were presents under the tree, thanks in part to some friends and gifts from their father thanks to Angel Tree.  I did not get as much help as last year but that is a good sign because that means that I am doing better on my own.  Each year it gets a little bit better, not necessarily easier.  Christmas day was nice, we got to spend it with special friends, although Christmas Eve and the day after Christmas were difficult.  I think that may be because things were quieter on those two days.  Too much time to think about what we were missing. 

The relief is that we are one year closer, and one more holiday down before my husband comes home again.  It seems that we are always measuring things by counting backward.  It does not seem as bad to think that after one more Christmas he could be home again, instead of thinking that we have two more years left.  Trying to keep everything positive is a stressful and difficult task but one that I strive for everyday.

It may be a compliment that other people forget how difficult things still are for us, it means that we are putting our best faces on and moving forward.  But that too becomes difficult to deal with because they forget that our lives are different and that we can not be who we used to be or who they want us to be.  But that is our lives, always changing, always learning, and hoping to succeed and come out of this as better individuals forming one unified family.