Stormy Day

They say into everyones life a little rain must fall, well I think I am drowning.  OK, it is not all that bad but some days it seems like for every one step forward I am pushed 2 steps back.

I had a summons for jury duty this morning (that is crazy enough, me on a jury right now!), so I had some extra time in the morning before I had to leave so I started some spring cleaning, washed some curtians and throw rugs while a did my time on the treadmill.  BIG MISTAKE, not sure what happened but I came back to steamed up windows and water going everywhere.  The dryer vent hose had become disconnected and the cold water attachment for the washer was spraying water everywhere.  Initially I was upset, shut off the water, cleaned up what I could and then I had to get ready to sit in a court room of all places. 

I spent the time hoping they did not call me, not because I did not want to serve, but because I did not want to have to share my story with a room full of stangers and explain why I am not sure I could be objective at this time in my life.  Days like today bring it all back up to the surface and remind me where I am today. 

Then I wonder, just when I think I am catching up and then get a new bill for additional charges on my car insurance because my credit is no longer perfect, am I not doing everything I should be?  Is there something more I should be doing?  A different path I should be on?  I am going to complain to MapQuest because the directions on this trip are awful!

Can not do any laundry right now, not until I fix the connection.  Yes, I will be doing my own plumbing, can not afford to pay anyone else and do not really have any one else to ask right now.  Is it terrible? No, but it is just one more thing that needs to get added to my list of things that I have to deal with in addition to coming up with the extra insurance money.  Yuck.  I thought I was just getting my head above water and actually catching up on everything, shame on me for thinking positive thoughts.

I did attend my son's basketball banquet which to some may not seem like such a big deal but for me it was the first "social" event that I had attended with the kids.  Previously I had been just dropped them off and came back and picked them up, but I felt it was time for me to take the next big step forward.  I went, I ate, I listened to the kudos for my son and then headed home feeling like I had climbed Mt. Everest, at least my Mt. Everest. 

I have found a special group of friends in a similar situation, some are parents, some are spouses and a few are children and I found them because I refused to believe that I was the only one going through this.  I was minutes away from starting my own group when one properly timed phone call lead me to their newly created group.  We meet about every 1 1/2 months, would love to meet more but we are all pretty busy, and offer support to each other but are also trying to change the system.  Our loved ones can' t be heard so we must speak for them and it gives me an opportunity to take everything I am learning and put it to use.

So I ask again, what direction should I be going?  I am trying to read the road signs but I think they are not written in English.  Though I pray for immediate answers I know that it is in His time and not mine that all the answers will come.

Life is an adventure.

The holidays have past and we have reached a point where life has finally settled into a routine that is now normal for us.  I am the sole parent of 3 happy and healthy teens and pre-teens who spends most of my time working and tending to their immediate needs.

There are some fun spots along the way and moments that I will not trade for anything.  I have been given a great gift to experience a sense of pride that I may never have otherwise felt. I had the opportunity to take the kids downhill skiing for the afternoon and we had a great time, lots of laughs and no tears.  I, ME, saved and planned for the day.  It was my dime and I was the one who got to see the appreciation and smiles and laughter on their faces.  To think that I was able to give them something that would bring them such joy is a feeling that I will always treasure.

Then I finally bought my first car.  It is a used car, but I picked it out and I paid for it (no car payments) and I am responsible for it.  I paid the insurance, cleaned it and had to put on my own registration sticker and my own license plates.  These may not seem like a big deal to some, but for me it is a giant step forward for me and for my family.  It is a sign that life is still moving forward and the path ahead is a little brighter.  

I still come home everyday looking for that letter in the mailbox and wait for one of the 3 phone calls I get a week but that too has become part of my routine.  Nothing is a bigger surprise than getting an unscheduled phone call at some unusual hour.  Hearing his ring tone during the day used to send my heart into my stomache, thinking it was bad news, but now I look forward to the surprise calls and the unexpected pick me up it might give.

My dad's health continues to decline but it seems to be by his choice and it is evident that he misses my mom.  I spend as much time with him as possible and always remind him that I love him, what else can I do.  I have learned to value the time you have together, make the most of every minute, because you do not know what tomorrow brings.

Not sure I would ever choose the road that I am currently on, but I am making the most of it and growing as a person.  Becoming more independent, but at the same time learning to ask and accept help from others.  Loving and realizing who the wonderful people are in my life brings warmth to my heart.  What an adventure, and who knows what the future holds.

Holidays Part II

I know it is February but in my world time passes either too slowly or way too quickly sometimes. Too slow when I think about days passing but way too quickly when I spend my time as a single parent being both mom and dad for three normal kids who still have a father, yet I am going in different directions all the time.

The holidays, namely Christmas, I already talked about what goodness I found in the giving of the holiday and kindness of others, so today I wanted to talk about how hard it was to get through what would normally be a joyous and merry time. I tried to make sure things were still OK for the kids, which meant the decorations, the trees, the cookies, church and family ties (and by family ties I mean the people who are my chosen family, not necessarily the blood family).

I put up the trees and decorations mostly by myself knowing that I would have to put them away by myself. That was a task we always shared, he would normally do the lights and I would put on the ornaments. I put up a few decorations outside although I really wanted to shut out the rest of the world. Found joy in making cookies and having fun making a mess in the kitchen. We made up some cookies for gifts for family and friends. So I did struggle with it all but managed to put on the appearance that all was well.

For me the hardest part was going to Christmas services, here we sat as a family and yet we are not a complete family. Part of the holiday was missing, like there was a hole in the middle of it. But I bit my lip and made it through. I had to stay up all by myself putting out the gifts, let me tell you that was not fun. Missing the laughing and talking and giggling, being as excited as the kids would be in the morning. Not this year. Hurry up and finished so I could get to bed because I was tired and I knew I would have to be up early in the morning. I was just walking through the motions. I was doing everything I thought I should be just for the kids.

I am not going to lie, parts of Christmas day were pretty awful. I really had to struggle to make it through, broken garage doors and everything (it is fixed now, I can fix anything because I have too). Friends came by and dragged us out of the house and we spent the best part of the day with them, thank heaven for angles. I did get to talk to my husband 3 times on Christmas day, wow! 45 whole minutes of conversation on the most blessed holiday of the year. Better than nothing I suppose.

I am relieved that it is over and one more year is down, and only a few more to go. So with every passing event brings us one day closer to being a family again. So with the moments of misery, there are moments of clarity when I realize that this will someday be over and I have learned to value what so many take for granted.

Happy Anniversary?

Before I get back to my holiday plight I had to take some time out to mark a solemn occasion and ponder how to best handle a very difficult time. Coming up at the end of this week is the anniversary of the day this nightmare began 2 years ago and also the day exactly one year ago when my husband was sentenced and immediately remanded. What a week!

So, do I hide at home for the 2 days in anticipation of them being very emotional? Lock myself away from the world and quietly wait for those days to pass, or do I pretend that they are just another day, get up, go to work and spend the days trying not to remember what I find difficult to forget?

No to all of the above. I do not want to find myself wallowing in some dark room hoping the world will quietly pass by. These 2 days will be on the calendar every year and nothing I do will get rid of them, so I have decided to face them head on with as much of a positive attitude that I can put together.

I have decided to take some time from work and spend that time doing positive and fun things with those who mean the most to me. I will be going skiing with my daughter on one day, and having a special day with a fellow Mom where we treat ourselves to lunch, a matinee, and even a pedicure, and another day will be spent with friends and family. In a twisted sort of way I am actually looking forward to these days now.

On the positive side, it has been one year since my husband has started serving his sentence and that means he is one year closer to coming home again. I can not believe that we have survived one year already, but I am still looking forward to only having one year left and the real count down can begin.

So is this a Happy Anniversary? Not really, but an anniversary that I have to learn to live through without it continuing to effect me in a negative way. That means I win this one!