I have learned so many lessons in my journey through life. Some of the most important and hardest to learn were within the last few years. Looking back, I can see how hardship and trials have made me a better and stronger person. But one of the most interesting things I have learned was about the people that we come in contact with on our journey, and whether good or bad, they shape who we become.
I can go all the way back to the girls who bullied me in middle school, they made my life miserable and I hated to go to school. One girl in particular was just down right mean. I would be fearful of just walking into a class room that I knew she was going to be in. As we moved on into high school it did become less of an issue as she spent less and less time at the school and I now have many fond memories of high school. Here is the irony, I would not be the person I am today without my middle school bully. I had finally had enough of her and decided that I was going to stop being afraid of what the other kids thought and put my energy into becoming who I wanted to be. It was during that time that I forced myself to be good at public speaking. I worked hard on speaking loudly and clearly, and not looking nervous. I raised my hand in class and shared my ideas. I came out of my shell and started living my life. I eventually spoke in front of the whole school and in my senior year won a radio speech contest. I don't know if I would have done that without living through middle school. I can not say however, that I would openly embrace my bully if I saw her today, I have even heard that she regrets her behavior back them. It is still a difficult time to remember and I would never relive it, but it played an important part of who I have become.
We all have family that we can point to who have had an impact on who we have become. I prefer to smile and be happy because I never saw my grandmother smile and always wondered if she was ever happy while my grandfather never stopped smiling. I choose to forgive and move on after watching the debilitating effects that keeping the anger inside has had on my sister. My cousins have taught me how to embrace the differences in all of us while knowing that we all have so much in common.
Friends have had a lasting impact as well, both the good and the bad. We have all had the bad experience that teaches us to not be so trusting and then the good experiences that teach us to put ourselves out in the world and we will be rewarded. We learn from our mistakes and successes and end up with a great circle of friends on which we can rely on. It seems that certain people come in and out of our lives when we need them the most. Some briefly, while others last a long time.
A friend who came into my life shortly after my husband was incarcerated, and was part of my support group recently fell ill. It is only within the last month that he found himself sick, and now has not been given much more time. He is a leader within our group, a friend with so much knowledge to share and a very good man. He is a minister by trade but I think he would have found a way to serve his fellowman if he had not heard his religious calling. Even now he is an inspiration in the way he is handling his prognosis, the humor that he shares with us is a sign of how strong his faith is. My one regret is that my husband did not get a chance to meet him. I think they would have got along well and my husband would have benefited from all that my friend could offer. His strength and fight is unceasing, and I can only hope to pick up were he has left off and continue to carry the torch forward.
With that said, embrace those who are around you. Love them for who they are and what they bring out in you. Be aware that there may not be a tomorrow so make the most of every day. Look at the people in our trials and in our joys, those we have known our whole lives and those who have recently come to us as well as those who teach us how to be good and those that teach us how not to be, for they are all just as important. We are truly blessed by those who lives touch ours.
Thursday, March 6, 2014
Wednesday, February 12, 2014
More Stories of Life Outside the BOP
Because of my determination to understand this whole situation, I have found myself surrounded by a wonderful group of people who are all in the same position. They have become my family and we rely on each other for so much. Today I want to share some of the updates of their stories in hopes of answering some questions for other people out there facing similar futures.
One family was reunited about a year ago. The gentlemen was of retirement age so finding a job was not a requirement for him. He was released early to a half way house and found himself back with his family pretty quickly. He ran into problems however dealing with probation services and his treatment program. Keep in mind that probation, in these cases, is NOT there to help them reintegrate into society. They believe that these guys are scum and that they WILL re offend, it is only a mater of time, so they are not nice at all. But this gentleman did not do everything exactly when and how they told him to do it. Since he has been home, he has found himself in many difficult situations and is in a state of limbo right now.
Another husband came home last fall but was told a week or so before he was supposed to be released to the half way house that he was not going, he would have to stay until his actual release date. When his release date was within a month, he was informed that he could not return to his home. Probation Services never did a residency verification until it was time for him to come home and then decided that he could not live there. The Justice system policy is that you can move back to your prior address with no problems, but they neglect to tell you that probation can make any decision they please regardless of the law or department policies. The family got assistance from the public defenders office and manage to get a stay, so he could come home to his wife instead of the local homeless shelter with a future court hearing about his residency. During his actual hearing the judge did allow him to return to his home and has now been allowed to stay there with his family. He is still looking for employment but he is now living with his family.
A brother was finishing up his time at a local half way house and just two weeks before his release was told that he could not move in with his sister because of a local municipality's residency restriction. He could not live with either of his other sisters for similar reasons. His sister had to scramble to find an apartment for him to live in with in the community, and apparently there is only one apartment that meets the communities tight residency restrictions. Keep in mind that when any federal prisoner is released, one of their restrictions states that they can not associate with any other known felons, and yet residency restrictions put all the felons in one apartment building. How does this make sense to anyone?
And just this week, another son was reunited with his family as they picked him up from the BOP and dropped him off at the local half way house. He still has time to serve, but now he is only a 15 minute drive from family and can call much more often without it costing an arm and a leg. He is back in regular clothes and has begun the process of reintegrating into society. He went through the drug and alcohol program while in Federal Prison, so in addition to his offender treatment he also has to continue the drug and alcohol treatment. So in just his first week in the half way house, he has been to 2 different treatment programs and been summoned to Probation. At probation, he was told his supervising officer was too busy in a meeting, he would need to come back. Normally probation would not need to see anyone in a half way house because they are technically still under the supervision of the BOP, but again probation services can change the rules as they see fit. This particular probation officer has commented in the past that these guys should not be allowed in the half way houses, and he is the first one in this particular house, so I think she is hoping to get on him earlier and crack down on what he can and can't do sooner, thinking that the half way house might be too lenient.
These are just a few of the varied stories and experiences that we have all been through. I will keep everyone updated on their stories as well as my own. We share a common experience which joins us together and it has become surprising to me as days pass to learn of others and their experiences with law enforcement on the sex offender label. New people that have come into my life and I learn of a connection to this side of the justice system, when they know nothing of my story. It just reinforces for me the reality that this label is being over used and it will eventually change because it is touching everyone's lives.
One family was reunited about a year ago. The gentlemen was of retirement age so finding a job was not a requirement for him. He was released early to a half way house and found himself back with his family pretty quickly. He ran into problems however dealing with probation services and his treatment program. Keep in mind that probation, in these cases, is NOT there to help them reintegrate into society. They believe that these guys are scum and that they WILL re offend, it is only a mater of time, so they are not nice at all. But this gentleman did not do everything exactly when and how they told him to do it. Since he has been home, he has found himself in many difficult situations and is in a state of limbo right now.
Another husband came home last fall but was told a week or so before he was supposed to be released to the half way house that he was not going, he would have to stay until his actual release date. When his release date was within a month, he was informed that he could not return to his home. Probation Services never did a residency verification until it was time for him to come home and then decided that he could not live there. The Justice system policy is that you can move back to your prior address with no problems, but they neglect to tell you that probation can make any decision they please regardless of the law or department policies. The family got assistance from the public defenders office and manage to get a stay, so he could come home to his wife instead of the local homeless shelter with a future court hearing about his residency. During his actual hearing the judge did allow him to return to his home and has now been allowed to stay there with his family. He is still looking for employment but he is now living with his family.
A brother was finishing up his time at a local half way house and just two weeks before his release was told that he could not move in with his sister because of a local municipality's residency restriction. He could not live with either of his other sisters for similar reasons. His sister had to scramble to find an apartment for him to live in with in the community, and apparently there is only one apartment that meets the communities tight residency restrictions. Keep in mind that when any federal prisoner is released, one of their restrictions states that they can not associate with any other known felons, and yet residency restrictions put all the felons in one apartment building. How does this make sense to anyone?
And just this week, another son was reunited with his family as they picked him up from the BOP and dropped him off at the local half way house. He still has time to serve, but now he is only a 15 minute drive from family and can call much more often without it costing an arm and a leg. He is back in regular clothes and has begun the process of reintegrating into society. He went through the drug and alcohol program while in Federal Prison, so in addition to his offender treatment he also has to continue the drug and alcohol treatment. So in just his first week in the half way house, he has been to 2 different treatment programs and been summoned to Probation. At probation, he was told his supervising officer was too busy in a meeting, he would need to come back. Normally probation would not need to see anyone in a half way house because they are technically still under the supervision of the BOP, but again probation services can change the rules as they see fit. This particular probation officer has commented in the past that these guys should not be allowed in the half way houses, and he is the first one in this particular house, so I think she is hoping to get on him earlier and crack down on what he can and can't do sooner, thinking that the half way house might be too lenient.
These are just a few of the varied stories and experiences that we have all been through. I will keep everyone updated on their stories as well as my own. We share a common experience which joins us together and it has become surprising to me as days pass to learn of others and their experiences with law enforcement on the sex offender label. New people that have come into my life and I learn of a connection to this side of the justice system, when they know nothing of my story. It just reinforces for me the reality that this label is being over used and it will eventually change because it is touching everyone's lives.
Monday, February 3, 2014
Time Passes, Little Changes
I realize it has been a while since I have had a chance to update everyone on everything that has been going on. Some days it seems that life has settled down to a boring normal and then other days are so chaotic that I wonder how I make it through.
Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years have come and gone and there are a few things I can share. Thanksgiving was spent split apart with my husband spending time with his family with my youngest while I stayed home with my daughter so she could get back and forth to work. Time did not permit my oldest to come home for the holiday. It was an unusual holiday, but given the past we had been through worse. We did have the opportunity to spend the following weekend with my brother out of town and celebrated our family time then, so we just had our family time a few days later than everyone else.
Christmas was going to be difficult for us as we did not know where to go. I did not want to haul my kids around trying to figure out where we could celebrate Christmas as a family. I am not sure what happened, if the planets aligned correctly or the sun was shining just right, but on the day my husband asked his probation officer if he could visit us on Christmas she said yes! Mind you I was still worried that she would violate him based on the fact that we had nothing in writing and no proof that she said he could be there, but we risked it and in the end, it all went well.
During this time, we are still trying to get the attorney to argue on our behalf that he should at least be allowed to visit the house on the weekends. Another family that was dealing with a similar issue, had a court hearing and was allowed to stay in their home so we are hoping that ultimately things play out for us a positive way but the wheels sure do turn slowly. We area again waiting for another return call from the attorney to see if anything has changed.
New Years Eve was spent with the in-laws as a completely unplanned evening but in the end it was nice anyway. Now we are into the routine of everyday life. We really only see my husband on the weekends with his work schedule, but he is still working...yeah!!! We try to find time to spend together on the weekends but that is usually time in someone else's home or out in a public venue. It is nice having him be able to take the kids to all the doctors appointments during the day when I would normally have to miss work so that is the one area where I do feel some relief in my schedule.
Looking forward to 3 or 4 months down the road when we are in a better position to start house hunting and getting everyone all under one roof. Then the real hard work will continue with all of us trying to fit together again as an intact family. The wounds are still raw for some and it will take a while to work through it all and get things back to a healthy place.
Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years have come and gone and there are a few things I can share. Thanksgiving was spent split apart with my husband spending time with his family with my youngest while I stayed home with my daughter so she could get back and forth to work. Time did not permit my oldest to come home for the holiday. It was an unusual holiday, but given the past we had been through worse. We did have the opportunity to spend the following weekend with my brother out of town and celebrated our family time then, so we just had our family time a few days later than everyone else.
Christmas was going to be difficult for us as we did not know where to go. I did not want to haul my kids around trying to figure out where we could celebrate Christmas as a family. I am not sure what happened, if the planets aligned correctly or the sun was shining just right, but on the day my husband asked his probation officer if he could visit us on Christmas she said yes! Mind you I was still worried that she would violate him based on the fact that we had nothing in writing and no proof that she said he could be there, but we risked it and in the end, it all went well.
During this time, we are still trying to get the attorney to argue on our behalf that he should at least be allowed to visit the house on the weekends. Another family that was dealing with a similar issue, had a court hearing and was allowed to stay in their home so we are hoping that ultimately things play out for us a positive way but the wheels sure do turn slowly. We area again waiting for another return call from the attorney to see if anything has changed.
New Years Eve was spent with the in-laws as a completely unplanned evening but in the end it was nice anyway. Now we are into the routine of everyday life. We really only see my husband on the weekends with his work schedule, but he is still working...yeah!!! We try to find time to spend together on the weekends but that is usually time in someone else's home or out in a public venue. It is nice having him be able to take the kids to all the doctors appointments during the day when I would normally have to miss work so that is the one area where I do feel some relief in my schedule.
Looking forward to 3 or 4 months down the road when we are in a better position to start house hunting and getting everyone all under one roof. Then the real hard work will continue with all of us trying to fit together again as an intact family. The wounds are still raw for some and it will take a while to work through it all and get things back to a healthy place.
Thursday, November 21, 2013
Reasons to Never Give Up...Education is Power!
We have quietly been following all the restrictions that have been imposed on my family since my husband's release. He left our home and is living else where and we make sure that we follow all the rules to the letter. That does not mean that we have given up fighting for what we think is right. We have graciously agreed and adhered to all the rules that the justice system has imposed but we have also kept fighting for what we believe is injustice.
During my husband's sex offender designation hearing process, we came armed with more information than most. We were actually passing case law onto our attorney. We shared as much legal paperwork with him to support the lowest designation as possible and in the end all the hard work paid off. We successfully argued with the over rides that the state was claiming were reasons that he should be a higher risk. We had supporters write letters on his behalf, in support of his character and his risk to others. We walked away from that hearing, feeling like we had finally won a battle and ready to face the next one.
My husband was required to leave our home in August and we have been trying to live as a family under two different roofs. He is currently not even allowed to visit our home. We have been making phone call after phone call to try to get clarification on whether it is even in the probation officers power to force him to move with no success. We would get referred to another phone number, another agency or another attorney. No one seemed able to help for a variety of reasons. Either, we lived in the wrong county, we did not have any money to pay anyone, or they could only help with state offenses, not federal. We did not give up.
Because I am connected with other families going through the same thing, we share stories and experiences, I decided to send one more e-mail. Wahoo!!!! Success!!! We had our first phone call with an attorney who can actually help us. Now we are not sure that this is a fight we even want to take on, but at least we now have an attorney who can tell us if it is a fight we could even win. The attorney is currently fighting a similar case and will get back to us shortly as to what he recommends. We have even proposed some compromises where my husband would still not live in our home but at least be allowed to visit. Not sure how this will play out but I feel like we accomplished so much by finally getting to talk to someone who could possibly help us.
There is room to fight for what is right within the system. Following the rules pays off, we have approval for an overnight visit to some out of town family for the holidays and are looking forward to seeing family. Communicating with others and sharing stories can change lives in ways you would never understand, if it was not for this one e-mail I received, I might not have ever sent the last one. It is our responsibility to educate each other, because the justice system moves with the assumption that many people do not understand how it works. Education is Power and we all need to share what we know to beat the stereotypes and public misconceptions.
During my husband's sex offender designation hearing process, we came armed with more information than most. We were actually passing case law onto our attorney. We shared as much legal paperwork with him to support the lowest designation as possible and in the end all the hard work paid off. We successfully argued with the over rides that the state was claiming were reasons that he should be a higher risk. We had supporters write letters on his behalf, in support of his character and his risk to others. We walked away from that hearing, feeling like we had finally won a battle and ready to face the next one.
My husband was required to leave our home in August and we have been trying to live as a family under two different roofs. He is currently not even allowed to visit our home. We have been making phone call after phone call to try to get clarification on whether it is even in the probation officers power to force him to move with no success. We would get referred to another phone number, another agency or another attorney. No one seemed able to help for a variety of reasons. Either, we lived in the wrong county, we did not have any money to pay anyone, or they could only help with state offenses, not federal. We did not give up.
Because I am connected with other families going through the same thing, we share stories and experiences, I decided to send one more e-mail. Wahoo!!!! Success!!! We had our first phone call with an attorney who can actually help us. Now we are not sure that this is a fight we even want to take on, but at least we now have an attorney who can tell us if it is a fight we could even win. The attorney is currently fighting a similar case and will get back to us shortly as to what he recommends. We have even proposed some compromises where my husband would still not live in our home but at least be allowed to visit. Not sure how this will play out but I feel like we accomplished so much by finally getting to talk to someone who could possibly help us.
There is room to fight for what is right within the system. Following the rules pays off, we have approval for an overnight visit to some out of town family for the holidays and are looking forward to seeing family. Communicating with others and sharing stories can change lives in ways you would never understand, if it was not for this one e-mail I received, I might not have ever sent the last one. It is our responsibility to educate each other, because the justice system moves with the assumption that many people do not understand how it works. Education is Power and we all need to share what we know to beat the stereotypes and public misconceptions.
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