Walking Through the Narrow Door

Many people may think I am crazy or do not understand why I choose to stay with my husband.  Certainly it would have been much easier to separate myself and my children from him and move on with our lives.  What kind of example would I be setting for my family?  If you do something wrong, it is acceptable for others to turn your back?  And truthfully, if I thought for one minute that my husband was a danger to anyone I would have left a long time ago.  But he is anything but dangerous, he is kind and giving to a fault and if you asked, he would give you the shirt off his back.

It is in my journey to understand this "flaw" in his character that lead me to a greater understanding of those charged with these types of crimes.  For many it is a natural progression from the legal pornography, for some it is a curiosity and  yet others simply stumbled upon it with a download or opening a pop up message.  A vast majority of these offenders are not dangerous and will never be yet they are lumped with heinous offenders and treated the same.  Here is the injustice of our time.  My husband served his punishment inside the fence but now is facing a very ugly world outside the fence.

I can not imagine him having to go through this all on his own.  It is hard enough for the two of us, but to think of the offenders who come out and must navigate this maze of restrictions and  requirements all on their own scares me.  It is in fear, stress and uncertainty that a newly released offender will re offend sending them right back behind bars.  It is with love, support and good treatment that many find success in the long run and return to normal lives. 

He made one bad choice in the twenty plus years we have been together, albeit a big bad choice, but one that should not completely cancel out all the good that he has done.  The greatest gift we can give another is to forgive, yet for many it is the hardest.  I see him working hard to be the father, husband and provider he once was while now trying to juggle all that the justice system asks of him.  He feels he is a burden on an already tenuous household financially and is trying to becoming a father again to children he is not allowed to live with simply because of the location of our house.  It is not easy and probably will not be for many more years, but I believe he is worth it.  I believe our family is worth it.  I believe that he has so much to offer this world in the future that I want to be there to see it all happen.

So to those who question why I stay...I am working my way toward that narrow door.  I am taking the road less traveled because it is considered politically incorrect.  I am standing up for him and for our family by standing beside him.

Luke 13:22-30

New International Version (NIV)

The Narrow Door

²² Then Jesus went through the towns and villages, teaching as he made his way to Jerusalem. ²³ Someone asked him, “Lord, are only a few people going to be saved?”
He said to them, ²⁴ “Make every effort to enter through the narrow door, because many, I tell you, will try to enter and will not be able to. ²⁵ Once the owner of the house gets up and closes the door, you will stand outside knocking and pleading, ‘Sir, open the door for us.’
“But he will answer, ‘I don’t know you or where you come from.’
²⁶ “Then you will say, ‘We ate and drank with you, and you taught in our streets.’
²⁷ “But he will reply, ‘I don’t know you or where you come from. Away from me, all you evildoers!’
²⁸ “There will be weeping there, and gnashing of teeth, when you see Abraham, Isaac and Jacob and all the prophets in the kingdom of God, but you yourselves thrown out. ²⁹ People will come from east and west and north and south, and will take their places at the feast in the kingdom of God. ³⁰ Indeed there are those who are last who will be first, and first who will be last.”

The Truth of It All

I have never fully indicated what my husband's charges were because I did not want this blog to be a place to debate right or wrong.  I wanted it to be a place where spouses could go to know that they were not alone in what they were going through.  The problems and hurdles do not change regardless of the crime that is committed.  Many spouses recognized their own story in my entries while reading between the lines and have reached out to me in many ways to express their support and understanding of our situation.  We form a tight circle of wives, mothers and fathers continuing to support our loved ones regardless of what the outside world thinks of them.

To begin the story in a very simple way, we have learned that my husband has a addictive personality.  It is by the grace of God that he did not fall into a trap of alcohol or drug addictions.  It would have been very easy for him to become an alcoholic at a very early age within the environment that he was raised, and thankfully drugs were never a big part of his life.  The problem began for him with the discovery of pornography. 

Like any other addict, he could go for long periods of time and never want to look at it, but then when things in the world got too hard, and stress started taking over, the desire to view those pictures grew.  When we were younger, it was not so easy to view those pictures.  You had to go out and buy the magazines in the plain brown wrapper.  Then along came the internet, suddenly there are thousands of pictures at your finger tips and they are free.  It is so much easier looking at 2 dimensional pictures than dealing with a nagging wife, in depth conversations, household pressures, job stress, and over commitments with your time.  It becomes an escape when life got too hard.  The real problem arises when they are looking at all those legal pornography photos, and someone sticks in those borderline photos.  Suddenly this is something new, more interesting, and more exciting.  There is nothing wrong with it, it must be OK or it would not be out there, right?  The internet is regulated so nothing illegal is on it, right? 

Well that is all wrong.  Law enforcement knows these websites are out there.  They monitor most of them.  They caught my husband when "he was on a site known to traffic in illegal photos".  (If they know it, why don't they shut it down).  Ultimately, my husband plead to one count of possession of underage pornography, and was sentenced in the federal system to five years in federal prison.  They only found 15 "questionable" photos on his computer. 

I know my husband, he would never harm anyone, especially a child, but now he comes out of 5 years in federal prison and is labeled a sex offender.  I am not saying what he did was right, he did do something illegal, but did the punishment fit the crime.  Since all this has started, I have met men who have had hands on crimes and never spent a day in jail because they were convicted in the state system.  He spent 5 years away from his family and his children and now his punishment continues outside of the fence. 

What has been asked of my family just seems too much at times.  So much more has happened since he has been home.  He has been forced to leave our home after being there a month, he has been welcomed back by some wonderful people and has continued to hit a brick wall in trying to find work and in dealing with the federal justice system.  I feel pulled in too many directions, it is like the rubber band that keeps getting stretched until it just snaps.  I am waiting for the SNAP, but I manage to get up every day and keep going. 

Don't judge my family to harshly, for what I have learned in my last five years questioning the system is that we are all just one click away from these same charges.  They are on everyone's computer if you download anything from the internet or share files.  We all know someone who looked once, maybe just to see what it was or maybe it was an accident, but it does not matter in the eyes of the law.  You are guilty, and if you are found guilty they will continue to punish you for what they think you might do.  If you own a gun, you are not punished because you might murder someone.  If you watch murder mysteries and see murder victims you will not go out and kill someone so why do lawmakers think it is OK to punish one particular group they consider "sub-human" for what they might do?  And why does the public think this is acceptable?  If you believe it is acceptable today, I guarantee that your thinking will change when it happens to someone close to you.  Whether it be your son for sex with his girlfriend, your daughter for sexting, or your brother for file sharing, it will touch your lives because it is not getting better.  Law enforcement is going after everyone equally regardless of age or the situation.  

I will share more about all the challenges we are facing, because I know there are so many families going through the same thing.  It is affecting everyone's lives.  And if you think it does not affect you, think twice, as a tax payer you are footing the bill to have all these no risk offenders be monitored, counseled, and on public assistance while the high risk offenders are out there not being watched because 95% of all offenses against children are by people that they know. 

Only time will tell how this all plays out, but more battles lay ahead.  I will wallow for a moment but I will keep pushing forward. 

Today's simple thought!

“I know God won't give me anything I can't handle. I just wish he didn't trust me so much.”
― Mother Teresa

The Release

I have been arguing with myself over how much of this story I wanted to share.  It was such an emotional experience, that part of me wants to keep it all to myself and yet part of me feels that it needs to be shared so others can know what to expect.  As I sit here now I am not even sure how much I will end up sharing, so let the story continue.

The ten hour drive was thankfully uneventful.  I listened to my book and enjoyed the quiet ride trying not to think about what lay ahead of me at the end of this trip.  My husband had told me that his phone and email privileges would be shut off early that day so I would have no means of communication if there were any problems so it is understandable that I jumped out of my skin when my phone rang indicating a call from his number.  It turns out, it was the phone contract company that serviced his special phone number.  With all the extra calls in the last few weeks, I had gone over my extra minutes.  How convenient, I got to tell them that I would no longer need their services.  One step closer...

I arrived in town just as it started to get dark, due to a storm moving in.  It was the same hotel that we always stayed in when visiting him, so it was nice to have a familiar place.  I checked in, headed to the grocery store for dinner and snacks and then after eating headed to the fitness room.  Spent an hour on the treadmill to work off all the energy and anxiety.  While on the treadmill, the rain started down pouring, and with the skylights in the fitness center, I felt like I was in the middle of it all.  (Especially when there was a leak in the glass seam and I was getting dripped on). 

Trying to get to get everything done before bed, seemed like I would not have enough time for everything.  But I was not even sure that I would be able to fall asleep at all.  I did sleep, badly, but I was able to get some sleep anyway.  Up before six and getting in the shower to get to the prison by 7:30am.  I did not want to be late and have to make him wait any minute longer than necessary behind that fence. 

I drove over to the prison one last time on a beautiful, sunny, Friday morning.  I was the only car in the visitors lot and my stomach was so full of butterflies I probably could have flown there on my own energy.  Around 7:45am I picked up the visitors phone like I was told to do and called to say that I was here to pick up my husband and that's when my stomach fell.

It was apparent that the man who answered the phone really had no idea what he was talking about, he advised me that I needed to call the phone number for the medium level facility.  I hung up, dialed the medium while I listened to it ring and go unanswered, I knew that he was wrong, so I dialed the number for the low again.  This time I got a lady, who was rather rude (not surprising if you are used to the COs in the federal system).  She told me that she could not tell me anything since she did not know who I was so I should just sit and wait for someone to call me.  So I waited.  I watched a bus come and go, and my husband had told me that they try to get the pick ups out before the bus riders, so I started to get nervous.  Leave it to the BOP to torture you up until the very last minute. 

I watched the hands on my watch tick by.  How long do I wait before I call back?  Will I annoy them and then what?  So I waited some more.  I started texting a friend who knew I was waiting to help pass the time while keeping my eye on the exit door.  I summoned up the courage and made another phone call.  This time another lady was a bit nicer and told me to wait, he was getting out.  THANK YOU.  That is all I really needed to hear.  I was afraid something had changed, and I had my phone number shut off yesterday, and no way to know that there was a problem.

So much for texting.  I just called my friend because I needed to talk to someone.  I was the only one there waiting for a release.  I had been there almost an hour at this point.  I kept my eyes glued to that front door.  Would I even recognize him when he came out?  Would they call me up to go get him?

Then I saw him!!  My breadth was gone.  My friend on the phone with me started crying, she could read so much in the sound of my voice.  Instinctively I knew not to do anything stupid or uncontrolled, so I slowly got up from my bench and waited at the sign that says "No Visitors Beyond This Point".  I hung up with my friend and waited.  He came walking out the door, escorted by a guard.  They were both talking and laughing,  I was a bowl of jelly, but I waited.  It seemed like the longest walk ever.  Suddenly the guard stopped walking and my husband keep walking toward me.  That hug was the greatest hug in the history of the world.  I did not want to let go, but I was shaking so much.  So much to say, but not here.  I wanted to get out of there and never go back.  I wanted to see that place in my rear view mirror and then erase any memories from my mind. 

It took me hours to stop shaking, and I am amazed I was able to drive, but we made it back to the hotel for him to take a real shower and clean that place off him forever before heading out into the world for the first time as a couple in over 5 years.  The next few days were awkward in many ways, but it was nice to have a few quiet days to ourselves before joining the real world and facing all the unknowns that were ahead of us