― Mother Teresa
Wednesday, August 14, 2013
Today's simple thought!
― Mother Teresa
Tuesday, August 13, 2013
The Release
I have been arguing with myself over how much of this story I wanted to share. It was such an emotional experience, that part of me wants to keep it all to myself and yet part of me feels that it needs to be shared so others can know what to expect. As I sit here now I am not even sure how much I will end up sharing, so let the story continue.
The ten hour drive was thankfully uneventful. I listened to my book and enjoyed the quiet ride trying not to think about what lay ahead of me at the end of this trip. My husband had told me that his phone and email privileges would be shut off early that day so I would have no means of communication if there were any problems so it is understandable that I jumped out of my skin when my phone rang indicating a call from his number. It turns out, it was the phone contract company that serviced his special phone number. With all the extra calls in the last few weeks, I had gone over my extra minutes. How convenient, I got to tell them that I would no longer need their services. One step closer...
I arrived in town just as it started to get dark, due to a storm moving in. It was the same hotel that we always stayed in when visiting him, so it was nice to have a familiar place. I checked in, headed to the grocery store for dinner and snacks and then after eating headed to the fitness room. Spent an hour on the treadmill to work off all the energy and anxiety. While on the treadmill, the rain started down pouring, and with the skylights in the fitness center, I felt like I was in the middle of it all. (Especially when there was a leak in the glass seam and I was getting dripped on).
Trying to get to get everything done before bed, seemed like I would not have enough time for everything. But I was not even sure that I would be able to fall asleep at all. I did sleep, badly, but I was able to get some sleep anyway. Up before six and getting in the shower to get to the prison by 7:30am. I did not want to be late and have to make him wait any minute longer than necessary behind that fence.
I drove over to the prison one last time on a beautiful, sunny, Friday morning. I was the only car in the visitors lot and my stomach was so full of butterflies I probably could have flown there on my own energy. Around 7:45am I picked up the visitors phone like I was told to do and called to say that I was here to pick up my husband and that's when my stomach fell.
It was apparent that the man who answered the phone really had no idea what he was talking about, he advised me that I needed to call the phone number for the medium level facility. I hung up, dialed the medium while I listened to it ring and go unanswered, I knew that he was wrong, so I dialed the number for the low again. This time I got a lady, who was rather rude (not surprising if you are used to the COs in the federal system). She told me that she could not tell me anything since she did not know who I was so I should just sit and wait for someone to call me. So I waited. I watched a bus come and go, and my husband had told me that they try to get the pick ups out before the bus riders, so I started to get nervous. Leave it to the BOP to torture you up until the very last minute.
I watched the hands on my watch tick by. How long do I wait before I call back? Will I annoy them and then what? So I waited some more. I started texting a friend who knew I was waiting to help pass the time while keeping my eye on the exit door. I summoned up the courage and made another phone call. This time another lady was a bit nicer and told me to wait, he was getting out. THANK YOU. That is all I really needed to hear. I was afraid something had changed, and I had my phone number shut off yesterday, and no way to know that there was a problem.
So much for texting. I just called my friend because I needed to talk to someone. I was the only one there waiting for a release. I had been there almost an hour at this point. I kept my eyes glued to that front door. Would I even recognize him when he came out? Would they call me up to go get him?
Then I saw him!! My breadth was gone. My friend on the phone with me started crying, she could read so much in the sound of my voice. Instinctively I knew not to do anything stupid or uncontrolled, so I slowly got up from my bench and waited at the sign that says "No Visitors Beyond This Point". I hung up with my friend and waited. He came walking out the door, escorted by a guard. They were both talking and laughing, I was a bowl of jelly, but I waited. It seemed like the longest walk ever. Suddenly the guard stopped walking and my husband keep walking toward me. That hug was the greatest hug in the history of the world. I did not want to let go, but I was shaking so much. So much to say, but not here. I wanted to get out of there and never go back. I wanted to see that place in my rear view mirror and then erase any memories from my mind.
It took me hours to stop shaking, and I am amazed I was able to drive, but we made it back to the hotel for him to take a real shower and clean that place off him forever before heading out into the world for the first time as a couple in over 5 years. The next few days were awkward in many ways, but it was nice to have a few quiet days to ourselves before joining the real world and facing all the unknowns that were ahead of us
The ten hour drive was thankfully uneventful. I listened to my book and enjoyed the quiet ride trying not to think about what lay ahead of me at the end of this trip. My husband had told me that his phone and email privileges would be shut off early that day so I would have no means of communication if there were any problems so it is understandable that I jumped out of my skin when my phone rang indicating a call from his number. It turns out, it was the phone contract company that serviced his special phone number. With all the extra calls in the last few weeks, I had gone over my extra minutes. How convenient, I got to tell them that I would no longer need their services. One step closer...
I arrived in town just as it started to get dark, due to a storm moving in. It was the same hotel that we always stayed in when visiting him, so it was nice to have a familiar place. I checked in, headed to the grocery store for dinner and snacks and then after eating headed to the fitness room. Spent an hour on the treadmill to work off all the energy and anxiety. While on the treadmill, the rain started down pouring, and with the skylights in the fitness center, I felt like I was in the middle of it all. (Especially when there was a leak in the glass seam and I was getting dripped on).
Trying to get to get everything done before bed, seemed like I would not have enough time for everything. But I was not even sure that I would be able to fall asleep at all. I did sleep, badly, but I was able to get some sleep anyway. Up before six and getting in the shower to get to the prison by 7:30am. I did not want to be late and have to make him wait any minute longer than necessary behind that fence.
I drove over to the prison one last time on a beautiful, sunny, Friday morning. I was the only car in the visitors lot and my stomach was so full of butterflies I probably could have flown there on my own energy. Around 7:45am I picked up the visitors phone like I was told to do and called to say that I was here to pick up my husband and that's when my stomach fell.
It was apparent that the man who answered the phone really had no idea what he was talking about, he advised me that I needed to call the phone number for the medium level facility. I hung up, dialed the medium while I listened to it ring and go unanswered, I knew that he was wrong, so I dialed the number for the low again. This time I got a lady, who was rather rude (not surprising if you are used to the COs in the federal system). She told me that she could not tell me anything since she did not know who I was so I should just sit and wait for someone to call me. So I waited. I watched a bus come and go, and my husband had told me that they try to get the pick ups out before the bus riders, so I started to get nervous. Leave it to the BOP to torture you up until the very last minute.
I watched the hands on my watch tick by. How long do I wait before I call back? Will I annoy them and then what? So I waited some more. I started texting a friend who knew I was waiting to help pass the time while keeping my eye on the exit door. I summoned up the courage and made another phone call. This time another lady was a bit nicer and told me to wait, he was getting out. THANK YOU. That is all I really needed to hear. I was afraid something had changed, and I had my phone number shut off yesterday, and no way to know that there was a problem.
So much for texting. I just called my friend because I needed to talk to someone. I was the only one there waiting for a release. I had been there almost an hour at this point. I kept my eyes glued to that front door. Would I even recognize him when he came out? Would they call me up to go get him?
Then I saw him!! My breadth was gone. My friend on the phone with me started crying, she could read so much in the sound of my voice. Instinctively I knew not to do anything stupid or uncontrolled, so I slowly got up from my bench and waited at the sign that says "No Visitors Beyond This Point". I hung up with my friend and waited. He came walking out the door, escorted by a guard. They were both talking and laughing, I was a bowl of jelly, but I waited. It seemed like the longest walk ever. Suddenly the guard stopped walking and my husband keep walking toward me. That hug was the greatest hug in the history of the world. I did not want to let go, but I was shaking so much. So much to say, but not here. I wanted to get out of there and never go back. I wanted to see that place in my rear view mirror and then erase any memories from my mind.
It took me hours to stop shaking, and I am amazed I was able to drive, but we made it back to the hotel for him to take a real shower and clean that place off him forever before heading out into the world for the first time as a couple in over 5 years. The next few days were awkward in many ways, but it was nice to have a few quiet days to ourselves before joining the real world and facing all the unknowns that were ahead of us
Tuesday, July 23, 2013
Days Leading Up To Release
It is hard to put into words all the emotions that we were all feeling leading up to the actual release date. Everyone had thoughts and expectations that they were trying to sort through and figure out.
My daughter was concerned about how having Dad back in the house would change her life. We have been a single parent home for a long time so the idea of having another parent in the house worried her. Would our household dynamic change with the addition of another parent's opinion? Would she suddenly have restrictions imposed on her that she was not used to? Would Dad be the stricter parent and crack down on some of the things that Mom let her do? These are important concerns for a 15-16 year old girl with a boyfriend and travel softball. Mother and daughter have developed a very close relationship, now what happens to that when Dad is home? She was a bit more cranky, but not so noticeable for a 16 year old girl. Where I saw the biggest effect was on the ball field. She takes her softball very seriously and all her effort shows but for a short window, about a week before Dad came home and a few days after, her playing suffered. She could not focus 100% on the game, her fielding suffered and so did her hitting. Most people just thought she was going through a slump but Mom knew there was more going on in her head about the upcoming changes.
The boys did not really seem to be concerned, except for the fact that the youngest one could not wait until Dad came home. He really wanted to go with me to pick him up. I am not saying that they did not have there own concerns, but it was nothing outward that I could pick up on.
As for me, I can not begin to describe the roller coaster of emotions I was feeling from day to day. It was not until about two weeks before that my husband had been called down to confirm his release and sign some papers. Up until that point we had just been assuming the day of release. His actual release date was a Saturday, and we had been told by others that he should expect to be out the Friday before, but no one official had confirmed that with us until then. Even at that point, the actual time of the release had not been passed on to us. Everything we were going on was based on prison talk which is not always very reliable.
My stomach was in knots and it was so hard to focus at work some days. Time could not pass fast enough. What will he look like? How much weight had he lost? Would I still look good to him? What should I wear when I pick him up? What will it be like for him outside the fence? What will he want to do first? What will he want to eat? Have we both changed too much? Thousands of questions swirling through my brain with no answers, only some reassurance from friends that all would be well.
The anticipation was far worse for my husband as everyday ticked down we were counting down the individual days. When we got to less than 20, if seemed like it was taking so much longer. We began measuring the days by things that were happening to him, like his last meeting with his counselor, or his last official day of work. Right down to the day they shut off his phone and e-mail accounts. As it got closer he was calling once a day, sometimes twice. He had a whole months worth of phone time to use in a few weeks. It was nice talking to him so often but we still got cut off after 15 minutes each time. The last time I got to talk with him was 2 days before his release, since his phone privileges would be cut off the day before his release.
He was nervous about walking out the fence and what the world would hold for him. I can not begin to speak for him and all the other things he was thinking. We had so many conversations about expectations and the future, but I had other things to direct my attention, whereas it was on his mind 24/7. But he had followed all the rules, did everything that he had been advised to do in preparation for life outside so all he could do was wait for that moment.
The morning I pulled out of my yard, suddenly my stomach hit the floor. I started to feel sick and could barely control my emotions. I headed off to work to pick up a few things I had forgotten the night before (understandable in my frame of mind) and as I spoke with a few of my friends there, I completely fell apart. I don't know if it was 5 years of exhaustion kicking in, but I was a mess. I started crying right there in the parking lot and I had a 10 hour drive ahead of me. With a few good byes and meaningful hugs I grabbed a cup of tea and plugged in my audio book and headed out for the long drive and what lay ahead.
My daughter was concerned about how having Dad back in the house would change her life. We have been a single parent home for a long time so the idea of having another parent in the house worried her. Would our household dynamic change with the addition of another parent's opinion? Would she suddenly have restrictions imposed on her that she was not used to? Would Dad be the stricter parent and crack down on some of the things that Mom let her do? These are important concerns for a 15-16 year old girl with a boyfriend and travel softball. Mother and daughter have developed a very close relationship, now what happens to that when Dad is home? She was a bit more cranky, but not so noticeable for a 16 year old girl. Where I saw the biggest effect was on the ball field. She takes her softball very seriously and all her effort shows but for a short window, about a week before Dad came home and a few days after, her playing suffered. She could not focus 100% on the game, her fielding suffered and so did her hitting. Most people just thought she was going through a slump but Mom knew there was more going on in her head about the upcoming changes.
The boys did not really seem to be concerned, except for the fact that the youngest one could not wait until Dad came home. He really wanted to go with me to pick him up. I am not saying that they did not have there own concerns, but it was nothing outward that I could pick up on.
As for me, I can not begin to describe the roller coaster of emotions I was feeling from day to day. It was not until about two weeks before that my husband had been called down to confirm his release and sign some papers. Up until that point we had just been assuming the day of release. His actual release date was a Saturday, and we had been told by others that he should expect to be out the Friday before, but no one official had confirmed that with us until then. Even at that point, the actual time of the release had not been passed on to us. Everything we were going on was based on prison talk which is not always very reliable.
My stomach was in knots and it was so hard to focus at work some days. Time could not pass fast enough. What will he look like? How much weight had he lost? Would I still look good to him? What should I wear when I pick him up? What will it be like for him outside the fence? What will he want to do first? What will he want to eat? Have we both changed too much? Thousands of questions swirling through my brain with no answers, only some reassurance from friends that all would be well.
The anticipation was far worse for my husband as everyday ticked down we were counting down the individual days. When we got to less than 20, if seemed like it was taking so much longer. We began measuring the days by things that were happening to him, like his last meeting with his counselor, or his last official day of work. Right down to the day they shut off his phone and e-mail accounts. As it got closer he was calling once a day, sometimes twice. He had a whole months worth of phone time to use in a few weeks. It was nice talking to him so often but we still got cut off after 15 minutes each time. The last time I got to talk with him was 2 days before his release, since his phone privileges would be cut off the day before his release.
He was nervous about walking out the fence and what the world would hold for him. I can not begin to speak for him and all the other things he was thinking. We had so many conversations about expectations and the future, but I had other things to direct my attention, whereas it was on his mind 24/7. But he had followed all the rules, did everything that he had been advised to do in preparation for life outside so all he could do was wait for that moment.
The morning I pulled out of my yard, suddenly my stomach hit the floor. I started to feel sick and could barely control my emotions. I headed off to work to pick up a few things I had forgotten the night before (understandable in my frame of mind) and as I spoke with a few of my friends there, I completely fell apart. I don't know if it was 5 years of exhaustion kicking in, but I was a mess. I started crying right there in the parking lot and I had a 10 hour drive ahead of me. With a few good byes and meaningful hugs I grabbed a cup of tea and plugged in my audio book and headed out for the long drive and what lay ahead.
Wednesday, July 10, 2013
Family Reunited
So much has happened since my last post, that I have not had a chance to put all my thoughts down in writing. We counted down the last month and I drove to Virginia to pick up my husband on his release date and bring him home.
I really want to put everything down for everyone, all the anxiety and anticipation of the release, as well as the actual release experience. The Bureau makes sure that they hold all the power until the very last possible moment. So I think that it is necessary to try and post my thoughts in chronological order. That will begin in the next day or so. I did just want to update everyone and let you all know that we are one family under one roof, not without some awkwardness and noticeable silence, but times of normalcy and family like experiences again. Times of laughter and private tears, but healing the wounds and trying to bring the family back together.
We are now dealing with the job hunt and following the rules of federal supervision. Again, more hurdles but they seem manageable at this point in time. There have been "public" appearances in the neighborhood and some of the rumors that he is home have already started, doesn't take long in a small town, but so far things have been quiet.
There is so much more to add, since this is not the end of our story. It is just the next phase of an unusual journey. More prayers, more healing and moving beyond our past is yet to come.
I really want to put everything down for everyone, all the anxiety and anticipation of the release, as well as the actual release experience. The Bureau makes sure that they hold all the power until the very last possible moment. So I think that it is necessary to try and post my thoughts in chronological order. That will begin in the next day or so. I did just want to update everyone and let you all know that we are one family under one roof, not without some awkwardness and noticeable silence, but times of normalcy and family like experiences again. Times of laughter and private tears, but healing the wounds and trying to bring the family back together.
We are now dealing with the job hunt and following the rules of federal supervision. Again, more hurdles but they seem manageable at this point in time. There have been "public" appearances in the neighborhood and some of the rumors that he is home have already started, doesn't take long in a small town, but so far things have been quiet.
There is so much more to add, since this is not the end of our story. It is just the next phase of an unusual journey. More prayers, more healing and moving beyond our past is yet to come.
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