Absense makes the heart grow fonder?

I am busy finishing up the the school year for the kids and filling in the calendar with all their summer events.  Things like basketball camps, softball camps and all the other leagues that seem to occupy so much of our time.  I am also trying to plan a visit to see my husband in August.  It will have been over a year since we have seen him.  It is an 11 hour drive and obviously requires a hotel stay or two so it is not an inexpensive trip by any means.  I am booking hotels early as I have the money, hoping that I do not get hit with the costs all at once.

But my bigger question for today is, what should we expect?  It has been almost a year and a half since he has been a part of our daily lives and over a year since we have even seem him.  I write everyday and talk to him three times a week for our allotted 15 minutes each call.  But I feel a distance between us.  Not because of anything either on of us has ever said or done, but just because of the physical distance between us.   I try to keep him up to date on everything that is going on with us.  I send a monthly calendar, update him in the letters of all the days activities and try to think of all the important things to tell him when we talk.  Yet when the phone rings I do not want to waste time on silly things and then can not think of anything else to talk about.  I do not want to always be whining and telling him I wish he was here.  I think that only makes things worse.  I am not saying that that does not happen, I just try not to let it happen too often.

He lives in a world that I can not begin to completely understand and may never want to.  I know what he tells me and sometimes even that is too much.  He seems to have friends, keeps busy with his job, and attends all the required classes that will allow him to eventually come home on time.  But our lives are separate, we exist at the same time but not in the same place or even with the same goals at this point in our lives.  I am busy trying to raise three children into adults while working to maintain a minimal standard of living.  He is trying to keep a low profile and do what he needs to get done to come home safely in three more years. 

Time is flying by but at the same time it is crawling.  I measure his time away in the way the kids have changed and it seems like a lifetime ago, but if I look forward at how much longer he has, we are not even halfway to the end yet.

Does all this separation have a greater impact on us all in the long run?  How will he incorporate himself back into our lives?  I miss him tremendously and yet I am anxious about seeing him in August.  We will spend two visiting days with him, what will everyone have to say? 

I am not sure if this is the right way to handle all of this mess, but it is the only way that I know how for right now.  I would love to see him more often but the cost and distance makes it impossible.  So for now this is what we have to do.  My crystal ball is broken so I have no way of knowing that things will work out in the end...I can only hope.

Happy? Anniversary

Yesterday was my second wedding anniversary spent alone.  Days like that bring all the bad feelings right up to the surface.  My husband called early in the day because of his new work schedule and even though it was nice talking to him, those 15 minutes were way too short.  Then, instead of having something to look forward to during the day, it was over before the day had even started.  What more was there to hope for during the day?  I knew there would be no letter waiting when I got home either based on the mail schedule and patterns we have developed, there is usually nothing in the mail on Tuesdays.

But guess what? Life goes on.  Kids off to school, and me off to work, from work off to a baseball game and then before you know it, it is time for bed and the whole thing starts again.  I continue living life as the dysfunctional family that we have settled into.  We are not much different than most single parent households, but at the same time we are still different so it has still been difficult.  We are all still adjusting to our new roles and the expectations we all have for each other.  I never was one to shy away from making the decisions in the house but at the same time it seems daunting to be the one making ALL the decisions and handling everything.

We recently had 2 birthdays in the house and the oldest just turned 16 so he now has a permit and wants to drive everywhere.  In his eyes that makes him more of an adult, but anyone with a 16 year old knows that that is the furthest thing from the truth.  My daughter is officially a teenager now and is constantly going somewhere doing something.  We have a normal sense of chaos all the time which keeps me busy and keeps me from spending too much time thinking.

It is on days like this that I wonder what the future holds for us.  Who will he be when he comes home?  Will he change for the better? or worse? or maybe a combination of the two.  Better in some ways and worse in others.  Am I hoping for too much?  Am I creating an unrealistic picture of who I want him to be?  Like everything else, this will be just something else we will have to work through and hopefully come out with a positive outcome.  Part of me wonders if I am waiting for him now only to have the whole thing fall apart when he gets home and feel that I could have moved on sooner.  We know that there will be a period of adjustment for everyone and how that plays out, who knows.  As adults, we can understand that but what do you tell and expects from the kids?

But life continues for us all, and though I have allowed myself time to ponder the future I do not have the luxury to spend hours dwelling on it, which is a good thing.  I share as much of our lives with my husband as possible and continue to be the glue that is struggling to hold everything and everyone together.  I am told from people on the outside looking in that I am doing a great job but some days it does not feel like it so I appreciate the encouragement.  I will only truly see the fruits of my labor a long way down the road when I have 3 happy, healthy, well adjusted "adults" and a family that is still together and loving each other.

Reoccurring Theme

There seems to be a reoccurring theme in my life these days...forgiveness.  Everywhere I turn and around every corner it is staring right back at me.  For the last 2 years I have been battling the questions of forgiveness:  Why have I forgiven my husband?  Why can't others forgive him? Why do people question my ability to forgive? and on and on.

I am not sure I can begin to understand the answers to any of these questions.  Clarissa Pincola Estes was quoted as saying “How does one know if she has forgiven? You tend to feel sorrow over the circumstance instead of rage, you tend to feel sorry for the person rather than angry with him. You tend to have nothing left to say about it all.” and that seems to sum it all up for me. Looking back on my life I realize that I have always been willing to forgive others, wishing that the best in them would win out.  And yet, I would be so confused as to why some people could not forgive anything.  I have members in my own family who have carried grudges or anger with them for decades.  Don't they realize that it is themselves that they are harming.

The same goes for society as a whole, we are quick to blame, point the finger, gossip and belittle those we feel have wronged the world, but carrying that within yourself only affects your own quality of life.  There is a point when your emotions only affect how you live and no one else.  Those negative feelings affect your health and your own personal relationships but ultimately they no longer affect the target of those feelings. 

Believe it or not one of the hardest people we have to forgive in our daily lives is to learn to forgive ourselves.  We are not perfect and I know I am not, but I strive for perfection and yet it is always just outside my grasp. Forgiving my own failings has been a lesson in all of this as well.

I have learned so much on my journey and yet have so much more to learn.  I have found people who forgive as easily and love simply.  I have found that I am more patient with imperfection, although still hardest on myself and I have found true joy in being able to tell those around me that I can offer them my forgiveness.  And true forgiveness is a gift both given and received.  Forgive today's imperfections, for tomorrow offers the opportunity to begin again.

Energized

Feeling empowered lately, but the thanks for that goes to my Group.  We are a bunch of family members who are upset by the current legal system, punishments assigned to some crimes, and the disparity between federal and state sentences.  Our numbers are growing and that tells me that I am NOT alone.  I feel blessed to have these wonderful people in my life now and look upon them as part of the silver lining.  The only thing we all have in common is the situation of our loved ones, none of us knew each other prior to six months ago.

I had decided that if I could not find a support group for myself I would start one and it is with the first phone call to try to find others that I found out this group had recently started.  I had only missed 1 meeting.  As far as we know we are the only organized group in the county. They are parents, spouses and children who are looking to fight the system.  We have sent out letters to the Judicial Review Committee, national politicians and have already met with some of our local Congressmen. 

It feels good to direct my energy in a positive direction.  I wish there was a group out there for everyone going through this.  Being in a room with people who have walked in your shoes and make no judgements is a humbling feeling and leaves you with such a feeling of warmth and belonging that I can not begin to verbalize how great it really is.

Not sure any of it will get my husband home earlier but I know it will help some family in the future not go through the same things that we have all had to endure, and that thought keeps me going and going and going.