Before I get back to my holiday plight I had to take some time out to mark a solemn occasion and ponder how to best handle a very difficult time. Coming up at the end of this week is the anniversary of the day this nightmare began 2 years ago and also the day exactly one year ago when my husband was sentenced and immediately remanded. What a week!
So, do I hide at home for the 2 days in anticipation of them being very emotional? Lock myself away from the world and quietly wait for those days to pass, or do I pretend that they are just another day, get up, go to work and spend the days trying not to remember what I find difficult to forget?
No to all of the above. I do not want to find myself wallowing in some dark room hoping the world will quietly pass by. These 2 days will be on the calendar every year and nothing I do will get rid of them, so I have decided to face them head on with as much of a positive attitude that I can put together.
I have decided to take some time from work and spend that time doing positive and fun things with those who mean the most to me. I will be going skiing with my daughter on one day, and having a special day with a fellow Mom where we treat ourselves to lunch, a matinee, and even a pedicure, and another day will be spent with friends and family. In a twisted sort of way I am actually looking forward to these days now.
On the positive side, it has been one year since my husband has started serving his sentence and that means he is one year closer to coming home again. I can not believe that we have survived one year already, but I am still looking forward to only having one year left and the real count down can begin.
So is this a Happy Anniversary? Not really, but an anniversary that I have to learn to live through without it continuing to effect me in a negative way. That means I win this one!
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
Friday, January 15, 2010
One Holiday Season Down Part I
This was our first Christmas without my husband with us, so it has been a difficult time, and has taking me some time to process everything before I could share it.
I have never experienced such an outpouring of kindness from strangers and friends in my whole life. I have been given the Gift of Gratitude on a level few will ever get to experience. A colleague at work gave me some money to buy my children Christmas gifts, and I decided that I would give the money to the kids so they could buy gifts for each other. What a double gift that was! Not only did the kids have gifts from each other to open, but we also had the best time in the world shopping for each other and spending the time together really enjoying the true meaning of the season...the joy of giving to others.
My husband had been able to make a request through another charitable organization, gifts that he would like to give the kids from him. They contacted me, I fine tuned his gift requests and made arrangements for the gifts to be dropped off at the house. A local church group dropped off the gifts the Sunday before Christmas and I was so overwhelmed with their kindness. I hugged those kind ladies like they were my closest family, and felt such warmth and gratitude, but had no other way to express what I was feeling. Christmas morning when the gifts were opened, they were so much more than I could have ever imagined.
At the last minute, I had another request for a list from the kids what they would like, and another kind family came through with some additional, wonderful gifts. Even I had one or two to open Christmas day. A few gift cards were passed my way as well which made for a nice holiday dinner.
So the gifts that other people gave to us can never have a price placed on them. They were absolutely priceless on so many levels and I made sure my kids understood that most of our Christmas came from the kindness of strangers. What a lesson to learn and I hope that they can take this experience with them.
The highlight of the holiday was from the kindness of others. It helped make a very difficult time a little better. All I can offer is a big thank you and the opportunity in the future to be able to pay it forward.
I have never experienced such an outpouring of kindness from strangers and friends in my whole life. I have been given the Gift of Gratitude on a level few will ever get to experience. A colleague at work gave me some money to buy my children Christmas gifts, and I decided that I would give the money to the kids so they could buy gifts for each other. What a double gift that was! Not only did the kids have gifts from each other to open, but we also had the best time in the world shopping for each other and spending the time together really enjoying the true meaning of the season...the joy of giving to others.
My husband had been able to make a request through another charitable organization, gifts that he would like to give the kids from him. They contacted me, I fine tuned his gift requests and made arrangements for the gifts to be dropped off at the house. A local church group dropped off the gifts the Sunday before Christmas and I was so overwhelmed with their kindness. I hugged those kind ladies like they were my closest family, and felt such warmth and gratitude, but had no other way to express what I was feeling. Christmas morning when the gifts were opened, they were so much more than I could have ever imagined.
At the last minute, I had another request for a list from the kids what they would like, and another kind family came through with some additional, wonderful gifts. Even I had one or two to open Christmas day. A few gift cards were passed my way as well which made for a nice holiday dinner.
So the gifts that other people gave to us can never have a price placed on them. They were absolutely priceless on so many levels and I made sure my kids understood that most of our Christmas came from the kindness of strangers. What a lesson to learn and I hope that they can take this experience with them.
The highlight of the holiday was from the kindness of others. It helped make a very difficult time a little better. All I can offer is a big thank you and the opportunity in the future to be able to pay it forward.
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
What Do You Say?
Who would have thought that the kid who has not stopped talking since the day she was born would be left speechless. There have been a few occasions recently when I did not know what to say or spent more thinking about what to say than actually talking.
Not to long ago my mother-in-law actually said that I had her permission "to find someone else, even if it was only someone temporarily". How do you respond to that? I was speechless. On so many levels that was just wrong. Why would she think I would need her permission? Or what makes her think I could so easily turn my back on my husband, even if it was temporary. Apparently she finds it easy to do. My vows mean so much more to me than she will ever understand, not being an overly spiritual person I do not think it would occur to her how much they mean to me.
I had no response for her, this was her son she was talking about. What kind of mother could be so callous about her son and his well being? Left me speechless and dumbfounded. I debated over whether to share that conversation with my husband, so I ultimately left it up to him. He said that he did want to hear what she had said to me, and after I told him I am not really sure how he processed the information. Again these are things he will have to deal with and think about when the time comes.
The second time was when I was talking to a distant family member who was not aware of the situation, she asked what my husband did for a living and was just generally being polite and curious. Oh no! How do I respond to that? The situation I had been dreading for the longest time. I thought carefully about the best way to answer that question and settled on the truth in it's simplest form. This lead to additional questions and again I carefully thought about each response, but overall it was a positive conversation. I had crossed another hurdle. I had answered the one question I had not been looking forward to. Would I answer the question the same way every time it is asked? Probably not, but I have tackled it once and on I go.
There are so many unique moments in my life now that few people get to experience. I am blessed with the ability to continue to learn about myself, grow, evolve, and change for the better. So many people, when they reach my stage in life, no longer change, but I have been giving a second chance to keeping learning and becoming the good person we all strive for.
Not to long ago my mother-in-law actually said that I had her permission "to find someone else, even if it was only someone temporarily". How do you respond to that? I was speechless. On so many levels that was just wrong. Why would she think I would need her permission? Or what makes her think I could so easily turn my back on my husband, even if it was temporary. Apparently she finds it easy to do. My vows mean so much more to me than she will ever understand, not being an overly spiritual person I do not think it would occur to her how much they mean to me.
I had no response for her, this was her son she was talking about. What kind of mother could be so callous about her son and his well being? Left me speechless and dumbfounded. I debated over whether to share that conversation with my husband, so I ultimately left it up to him. He said that he did want to hear what she had said to me, and after I told him I am not really sure how he processed the information. Again these are things he will have to deal with and think about when the time comes.
The second time was when I was talking to a distant family member who was not aware of the situation, she asked what my husband did for a living and was just generally being polite and curious. Oh no! How do I respond to that? The situation I had been dreading for the longest time. I thought carefully about the best way to answer that question and settled on the truth in it's simplest form. This lead to additional questions and again I carefully thought about each response, but overall it was a positive conversation. I had crossed another hurdle. I had answered the one question I had not been looking forward to. Would I answer the question the same way every time it is asked? Probably not, but I have tackled it once and on I go.
There are so many unique moments in my life now that few people get to experience. I am blessed with the ability to continue to learn about myself, grow, evolve, and change for the better. So many people, when they reach my stage in life, no longer change, but I have been giving a second chance to keeping learning and becoming the good person we all strive for.
Thursday, December 10, 2009
Quiet Calm
It has been awhile since I have added an entry, things have reached a calm period right now. Spent thanksgiving with my dad and had a chance to spend some time with cousins. Getting together with them was wonderful. I was able to laugh, have fun and talk about the situation with my husband with people who really care about how we are doing.
Facing the Christmas season alone has me feeling overwhelmed and sad most of the time. I am trying to put on the appearance that the holidays are a joyfully time of the year. I embrace the reason for the season so much more than some that I would not mind skipping the hustle and bustle of the holidays and just celebrate the religious aspects of the season, but unfortunately I could not do that to the children. Christmas is a many faceted holiday and to take that away from the kids would not be anything I could live with. As it is, it is going to be a skimpy holiday for gifts.
Not to sound so down, things are actually going pretty well, at least as well as can be expected. The kids are thriving, and performing well everyday. All of them had an A average for the first quarter in school, all excel at their fall and winter sports and are still able to live everyday finding joy in what they do. My oldest has his first girlfriend, and is slowly becoming an adult. I have my small circle of friends who keep track of me and make sure we are all doing well. But no one can really appreciate the loneliness that I feel when I sit back and realize that I am still without my partner and will be for almost 4 years.
As I write I think of so much more to add, but they are long enough to be topics themselves, and I will save them for another day. The calmness scares me because history shows me that the calm never lasts...eventually something sends everything spinning.
Facing the Christmas season alone has me feeling overwhelmed and sad most of the time. I am trying to put on the appearance that the holidays are a joyfully time of the year. I embrace the reason for the season so much more than some that I would not mind skipping the hustle and bustle of the holidays and just celebrate the religious aspects of the season, but unfortunately I could not do that to the children. Christmas is a many faceted holiday and to take that away from the kids would not be anything I could live with. As it is, it is going to be a skimpy holiday for gifts.
Not to sound so down, things are actually going pretty well, at least as well as can be expected. The kids are thriving, and performing well everyday. All of them had an A average for the first quarter in school, all excel at their fall and winter sports and are still able to live everyday finding joy in what they do. My oldest has his first girlfriend, and is slowly becoming an adult. I have my small circle of friends who keep track of me and make sure we are all doing well. But no one can really appreciate the loneliness that I feel when I sit back and realize that I am still without my partner and will be for almost 4 years.
As I write I think of so much more to add, but they are long enough to be topics themselves, and I will save them for another day. The calmness scares me because history shows me that the calm never lasts...eventually something sends everything spinning.
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