The Pyramid of People

It was in a friend's comment the other day that I looked back on my last few years and had a revelation, and it is something that I firmly believe.  Call it God's plan, karma, or a divine plan, or what ever label you want to put on it, but it is a truth.  It may be the planning of some greater being or it is our inherent nature to search out what we need whether we realize that we are doing it or not but I know that the people we need most in our lives at any one time are the people we find.

We might rekindle an old friendship, make a new acquaintance or develop a deeper relationship with someone we did not know really well.  But regardless of how they came into our lives, they were there for a reason.

We can all look back on our youth and remember that older neighbor who taught us some of life's greatest lessons or our childhood best friend who helped us get through a difficult experience or just helped get us into all that good childhood trouble.  There are people during every phase of our lives that have touched us and had a greater impact than we could have ever imagined.

My elderly neighbors were the closest thing I had to grandparents, and I learned to appreciate the knowledge that comes with age.  I loved spending hours with them and would choose to be there than with my friends.  To this day, I think of them fondly and still find moments when I miss them.

My high school bully taught me to be proud of myself and not listen to what others thought.  It is out of my experiences with her that I decided to be the architect of my own life and not let others push me around.  I am who I am because of my experiences with her.  Strangely, I think sometimes that I should thank her. 

I found friends who understand what we were going through as a family during a very difficult time and those friends still continue to amaze me and push me to change the world for the better.  A stranger who offered a hug and a gift that I can never thank her for, but one moment that completely changed my life and outlook for the future. 

The people, who for various and seemingly random reasons find themselves in my life, I find share a greater connection than any of us ever thought.  We share common experiences and have so much more in common than what others see. 

Our lives are like pyramids and every connection helps build upon the previous blocks.  The people we meet today, will impact the way we talk and interact with the people we meet tomorrow.  This could be either positive or negative, but it is in our responses to the good or the bad that will dictate whether we build ourselves up or tear ourselves down. 

Lean on those that give you strength, and be that light for someone else down the road.  There is a plan, and you are a piece in another persons puzzle just as others are pieces in yours.  It is in sharing our lives with others that we find the true joy in life. 

Life Gets Better

It has been a busy summer and it has been a while since I posted anything, and although I have a few thoughts in my head which I will share later, I wanted to share some thoughts from the other writer in the family.  My oldest son, the college student, inspires me with his words and character and I thought it is a positive insight to share for all those parents who wonder if they made the right decisions in their lives and pray that their kids learned the important stuff.  The following are his words and thoughts from a proud mom.

Stop being scared

When I am 90 plus years old and I look back at my life, there is really only one thing that I hope I accomplished. I hope I can honestly say to myself that I did everything with a purpose and that I did it with 100% of my capabilities. It’s not going matter how much money I made or how many cool material things I had. If I live the rest of my life with my beat up Ford Focus station wagon but do everything with all I have, well I am going to consider that a successful life.

Doing what I want to do for a career is not going to make me a millionaire. But what will make me feel like I won the lottery are the friendships and relationships I attain over my life. Whether it be the close friends I have now or maybe new ones I am going to make in the future, I hope after all is said and done, I can have just a small impact on their lives for the better.

Being a husband and father is such an amazing thing that I can not wait to experience but I also know that it will be one of the hardest things I do and one of the most important things I do as a person. Relationships are tough, you have to work at them everyday and some days it is going to be rough. I think I am going to be great at being a husband and father because I am not going to run away when things get tough. If you know me, you know that if I do something I am 100% invested. It is not going to matter if we are two miles away or 900, I won’t ever give up.

Life is too short for faux relationships or friendships. Many people believe me to be a dick or that I have no regard for others but that couldn’t be more from the truth. I push the people around me to be the best they can be.

One of my many faults is not recognizing others accomplishments. I tend to downplay things others do because in my mind I think they can do better because I never settle for average so why should you? My sister could have gone 3-for-4 with 2 RBIs and a double in a softball game and the first thing I would say is why didn’t you go 4-for-4? Or maybe my brother won three of his four events at a swim meet and broke a record, I would say how come he didn’t win all four and break the record by more? Do I do this because I’m not proud of them? NO F-ing way. I do this because, even though it is not attainable, we should all be striving for perfection.

This drive for perfection is why I think I will be a great husband and father one day. Relationships are not perfect and being a father is not an exact science and I will try every day to be perfect. Now, I am not planning on this happening anytime soon but when it does happen, I am going to be ready.

It’s funny how in sports most of the great athletes in this country fail more times than they succeed. Baseball players that succeed just 3 out of 10 times end up in the hall of fame and that is exactly how I see relationships. You are going to fail more times than you succeed but it is the times you get it right that are worth it all. When I look back on my life I hope my few triumphs will overshadow all my failures.

Part of me wonders how people go through life in such boring ways. Why not take that chance instead of playing it safe? Why do people run away from things because they are scared? I don’t know but I guess for me, I am going to take that chance or instead of running away, I am going to run towards it and give 100% of me. I understand that is not for everyone but what kind of way is that to live your life? A wise man once said that you miss 100% of the shots you don’t take, well even if I shoot 10 times and make only 1, that’s still a better percentage than the people that don’t shoot at all.

There is no playbook or rulebook for the game of life, we as humans learn from our failures and how can we fail, if we never take those chances?

Letting people in is a chance that I never took and it is one that I am working on. Although it continues to blow-up in my face, the chances are in my favor that one day, I am going to let someone in and it is going to be the best decision I have ever made.

I am not afraid of failure. I am afraid of not trying. One day when I look back, I am going to be proud of my failures because those failures make all the good I did that much better. The world is scary place but I refuse to run from things that scare me, I will stand up and embrace them, care for them, love them...

“You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough.” 

   

The Importance of Character

Recently I had the honor of sitting through an awards ceremony for my daughter.  She was required to submit an essay as well as two other peoples essays about her character.  Out of almost 200 other applicants and seven different levels of review, she was chosen to be one of three winners for this academic year. 

It was one of the most uplifting two hours we have spent in a long time.  Everyone greeted us with such kindness and seemed genuinely excited to meet her and her family.  It was truly an evening to "honor" the recipients as well as a very proud parent moment.  Life is good.

Now, beyond the fact that my daughter was receiving this scholarship and award, I was impressed by the caliber of the organization sponsoring the award, other attendees and the speakers.  They spoke of the quality of a persons character and all the traits that contribute to a persons positive character.  One speaker sent out a challenge to everyone in the room to always ask "Am I making the wisest decision based on my previous experiences and where I want to be in the future?".  We were told that we are all leaders and even the most introverted person will touch the lives of another 100,000 people in their lifetime. Though we are not perfect, we should strive to be a person of good character because when we are gone from this earth, people won't remember what kind of car you drove, how many things you could buy or what kind of clothes you wore.  They will remember what kind of person you were and how you lived your life.  Others will remember that you were a person of good character, a person of virtue, determination, humility, truthfulness and perseverance. 

The components of good character is a long list and one that challenges us every day.  I wish that everyone made choices and lived their lives based on the quality of their character.  It would be wonderful if we were all judged based on our character today and not by the style of car we drove or the size of the house we lived in.  How we live our lives and treat those around us should be so much more important.  I am proud that all my children are young adults with great character and I am reminded that I too should strive everyday to be a model of great character for those around me.  What a wonderful world this would be if we all cared about character.

We All Should Care About Incarceration

My eyes are open now.  Things that I would never see or care about now are so much more important to me.  I am tuned into a side of life that a majority of the population turns a blind eye to.  So I ask, when are we going to start caring about our justice system and how it affects so many more people than just the offender. 

Everyday I learn about a new family just beginning the journey that I am on and my heart breaks all over again.  The hurt, the loneliness, the darkness all come back in an instant.  Then I look at how far we have come and I am able to look upon my life and know that I am blessed. 

Part of why we were put here is to help those that follow.  I spend a portion of every day keeping up on the new developments, political issues or the e-mails from friends.  I am actively involved in trying to fix a system that is both misguided and broken.  It is like rolling a large boulder up a hill but there are days when we make some progress.

My question is, when is the rest of the world going to wake up to the fact that the US has the highest incarceration rate in the world?  When are people going to realize that using incarceration as a solution for every problem will only lead to greater problems and issues for our society down the road?  Even some politicians are beginning to see the light that mass incarceration is not the solution. It is time to understand that this will eventually effect us all in some way.  Some of us are directly touched by it, while tax payers, businesses and governments will feel the side effects of a population that is tainted with "prison time" on their resume. Incarceration is funded with tax dollars as well as social programs to help the families and the newly released who can't find work. I would much rather have my money going toward treatment to prevent re offending than simply punishment. 

As Christians, the Corporal Works of Mercy teach us to feed the hungry, give drink to the thirsty, clothe the naked, shelter the homeless, visit the sick, visit the imprisoned, and bury the dead.  And the Spiritual Works ask us to instruct the ignorant, counsel the doubtful, admonish the sinners, bear wrongs patiently, forgive offenses willingly, comfort the afflicted and pray for the living and the dead.  It is not a salad bar that you should pick and choose which to follow.  Each one is just as important as the next.  Yet as a society we forget the imprisoned and are slow or even unwilling to forgive at all.  Forgiveness should not depend on the degree of hurt and every soul deserves a chance to change and be a better human being. 

I do not sit in judgement.  That is not my job.  I am too busy trying to raise my children to be fine, charitable, successful and grateful adults.  I can put my head down at night knowing that I have been there for someone who really needed me, someone that society shuns or scolds for their past.  My world if full of joy, and happiness and yes, many ex-offenders.  

A Point of Light Brings Hope

I read a lot!!  I read books when I find the time to sit and enjoy them.  I read for work, for daily necessity and I read to stay informed.  These days I find myself reading about politics and issues related to my family and our situation.  I care and I want to change things and to do that I must learn all there is to know.  Part of my daily routine is to read all the relevant articles about sex offenders.  Articles about their management, recidivism, restrictions, and hope for the future when common sense wins out.  What, do you not think there is hope for the future?  Oh but there is.

Take a look on any given day to the headlines that continue to falsely scare the public of the evil of all of those labeled as sex offenders.  Read the articles about how politicians are protecting us and saving our children by passing legislation that says sex offenders can not live near us.  Watch the eleven o'clock news highlights about the sex offender, who committed his crimes 15 years ago, served his time and has been crime free since, but now he wants to live three doors away from a church with a day care center.  Make sure you listen and learn that his crime was not even against a child but someone is in a uproar over where he wants to live.  Turn on your radio and hear about the group of high school students who will now be labeled as sex offenders all their lives because one of them sent "bad" photos to the others.

Now, after you have listened to the media on how horrible all these sex offenders are, and how dangerous it is to have them living among us, take a breath, clear your head and look for the hope.  Take the time to sit back and start reading the comments.  A greater percentage of the comments are in support of common sense thinking.  The true facts and statistics come out in the comments from the general public (not the media).   The reason these restriction and laws don't make sense is spelled out to share for those looking to be enlightened.  Now there is still the occasional draconian comment to kill or castrate them all but they are becoming the exception rather than the rule.  This recent entry for Grits for Breakfast is a great example http://gritsforbreakfast.blogspot.com/2015/04/texas-voices-standing-against-sex.html.

Is it because people are educating themselves about the high costs of government and  how funds could be better spent?  Is is because the general population is suddenly concerned about the welfare of those labeled sex offenders?  Or is is because as another day passes, more and more people are being personally affected by these laws and restrictions?  As the sex offender population grows so does the size of their advocacy groups.  More wives, mothers, sisters, brothers, fathers and children suddenly have skin in the game.  They now care. 

I don't really care why the tide seems to be turning, I just feel that it is.  Eventually the media and politicians will have no choice but to start listening.  What is now a quiet whisper will someday be a deafening roar.  So there is hope for change, you just need to look for it hidden within the dark.  

Hoping for a Judgement Free World.

Is it a pipe dream?  Am I fooling myself and being naive?  Why do we live in a world where people feel the need to put labels on each other and then make judgements based on those labels?  Since the historians started recording the happenings around them, we have learned that people have used labels for each other and then used those labels to persecute others. 

Labels are based on wealth, color, religion, political party. beliefs, histories or sexual preference, and too many more to list.  Then we make assumptions on someone based on that label.  If your poor, you are viewed one way, and if your rich, you are viewed another.  We hate and fight with others based on their religious beliefs especially if they are significantly different. 

You would have thought that the civil war, or the civil rights movement would have taught us that judging others based on a label was not an accurate way to view others.  North or South, Black or White, we are all still human beings walking this earth waking up every day, trying to make the most of what we have.  We all make mistakes, struggle to find our place in this world and laugh or cry when things happen.  We are no different whether we are old or young, rich or poor, or married or single. 

Am I always right?  Is the way I choose to live my life better than the way someone else lives theirs?  It is not my place to judge or tell them they are wrong.  I love to engage people and talk about our differences, learn why they do what they do and make the choices that they do.  In an open dialogue we both learn and can grow. I am not so arrogant that I think my ideas and opinions are the only ones.  I live my life learning and growing every day.  I do not assume that I have all the answers. 

So my question is, why do so many people find it necessary to stereotype?  They like or hate someone before they have even met them simply by a label that we have in our minds.  I would love to live in a world where people are treated by how they treat others and live their lives and not the religion they follow or previous choices they have made.  I make my choices by my own experiences with people, not from a label or what someone else tells me and because of that, I have many outstanding individuals as friends that I may never have met.  My life is richer having these people in my life.  Our common interests bring us together and our differences enrich our lives by sharing and teaching. 

Would I feel this way without my own history?  I was always one who wanted to make my one impressions of people, not believe rumor or what other people say.  But I do think my history has made me more aware of the labels and being less judgmental.  I have come to believe that it is not my place to judge how others live there lives but it is my responsibility to live my life the best way that I know how.  Doing that requires my full attention and a great amount of energy anyway.  My life is too short worrying about others, I would rather relish in the joy of my own. 

I Find Myself Surrounded

Looking back to 2008 I would have never believed that I would find myself where I am today.  I believe that all my past experiences have prepared me for the place and the people in my life.  I know that this journey is by design and not random and I am fully prepared to make the most of all that I now know.

Years ago, I was like most of the population who believed the garbage that came from the press about sex offenders and how awful they all were.  Any one with that label was someone that my children were advised to steer clear of and to be vigilante of strangers.  But now I know the facts and the truth and the reality of anyone being labeled a sex offender.  But, in truth, the irony in this is not that I know more sex offenders because of my husband or because of our support group, I now know more sex offenders because of people who are in my life for a variety of reasons.  Another family member finds himself on this same path only for different reason, a friend of my daughters and a friends boyfriend are examples of a few. 

I find myself as the navigator for the family members because this is a road well known by me with all the pitfalls, twists and turns that lay ahead of them.  If not for my experiences I would not be able to offer them anything except my prayers.  But now, I am fully armed with so much information that I do not know where to begin with all there is to share.  The young man had so much going for him and knew exactly what he wanted to do with his life, but now that is all changing.  He is a fine young man and one I respect and trust, and hope that he does not let this drag him down.  I hope that all will turn out well and that he will rise above it all only to find success on a different path and that he does not let any future label define him. 

My daughter's friend is young enough to not really understand the tough road ahead of him, although he has carried the sex offender label for a few years already.  He is still struggling with the judicial ramifications of his initial crime.  But he knows that within our family, no judgement is passed on anyone based on a label.  He knows that he can freely talk to me about any issues that he is facing at any given time.  He has taken the time to overcome his own discomfort to share his story with me and I believe that he finds a small comfort in having another place to turn. 

I am not actively looking to surround myself with sex offenders, but I am finding more and more of them in my daily life.  I am not sure if it is because there are more and more people labeled as sex offenders or if they are being placed in my life for other reasons.  Maybe it is because I come across more open and accepting but for what ever the reason, I am prepared.  It is not an area that I ever thought I would be an "expert" in but I am always available to help any one who needs some help.

In truth, it scares me that I can name so many people I know that are on the sex offender registry.  All of whom are great guys who made mistakes, paid the price and are now trying to move forward.  What does that say about us as a society, when we find safety in putting a label on someone who will most likely never commit another crime?  I would wonder how many of us would be amazed to discover that co-worker, friend, or family member, who is a great guy, is actually a sex offender.

  

Settling In

About a month ago already (wow time flies) we closed on the new house and moved in to our new one as a whole family.  Is it my dream home?  Initially I would have said no, but thinking of the bigger picture and where we are in our lives, I would now say it is a perfect fit. 

The house is a bit bigger than our old one, but it sits on a smaller city lot.  That just gives us lots of room inside and less lawn to mow, which is more time to spend doing fun things.  The house is 100 years old and is full of character.  There is so much we can do with it and over time make it our own. 

The kids seem very happy with the new place and their new surroundings.  Their old school district has granted them permission to finish out their education within the old school.  That helps make the move better too, with no big educational changes. 

So the big question is, how are things going?  Surprisingly well.  There are adjustments in the household that will fix themselves as the kids now have two parents under one roof.  But already I have noticed some positive signs of everyone fitting into their respective roles.  Probation has come through without incident so things are good there for now. 

The difficult part comes into play due to the treatment program that my husband is expected to attend.  He is at a point in the program where he is being challenged and asked to do things out of character for him, but yet they are things that are necessary for him to grow and moved beyond the feelings and emotions that put him in the awful place he once found himself.  It is difficult for me to see him struggling with life long habits and being forced to change.  It is hard for me to watch him struggle with these challenges when I fully support what the program and his counselor are trying to do.  He feels that they want to see immediate changes, but it is difficult to change a lifetime of behavior with a blink of an eye.  I don't believe that they expect overnight miracles, but just want to see that he is making the effort and doing the work. 

Just like settling into a new home, creating a new way of dealing with life"s struggles takes time, patience and perseverance.  It seems to be a never ending task until one day you look around and there are no more boxes left to unpack, furniture has been replaced many times, kids have come and gone and your on your third color of paint in the kitchen.  Changing and becoming better people is a job that never has an end we just wake up one day and realize we are different than the person we used to be, and hopefully for the better. 

Lessons of A Lifetime

There have been so many lessons that I have learned over the last few years that I sometimes find myself sharing those lessons with friends who are going through their own difficult situations.  When we find ourselves in the middle of a series of life changing events, we don't measure then against what someone else may be going through, we just feel that this is the worst thing that could happen and no one could really understand our feelings.  You can't look at someone and say that my life is worse than yours, it just does not work out that way.  However, the lessons that we learn from our own experiences can be a tool that we can share with others, in the hopes that their burden can be lightened. 

Recently a friend of mine found himself in a very bad situation with his wife and family.  His wife decided she was tired of being a mom and left the family.  My friend has been struggling with his love for his children and the daunting task of now being a full time parent and full time provider.  On top of that he is trying to find the best way to deal with his wife and her relationship with the family.  He is a strong man and I have no doubt he will succeed in ways that he can not begin to see right now but in the meantime he is full of anxiety over his life.  It is here that I have been able to offer some of the things that I have learned in my own personal journey. 

We can share stories of our own feelings of inadequacy, but understand that we still have to get up every morning.   I can now assure him that at some point in the future, things will be good again and he won't remember the exact day that things improved, he will just notice it one day.  Getting through it one day at a time it the best approach and not to worry too much about tomorrow.  Things will eventually work out. 

Forgiveness is a daunting process but one that is worth it for his health and sanity, and worth more than staying angry at those who wronged us.  We think we get more from being angry but in reality the anger only affects us and not the intended target.  It is one of the hardest things to work through but so worth it.  No baggage to carry and you will find that you can wake up with a smile. 

Asking for help is not a sign of weakness but a sign of how much you are loved.  If there are people in your life who want to help, that is a sign that people believe that you are worth their time and attention.  Don't think that you have to do it all by yourself to prove that you can succeed.  Our friends and family offer their support, take it.  It may be a humbling experience but a gratifying and wonderful one at the same time. Some of my greatest moments have been linked to someone else reaching out a helping hand. 

In working through our own problems we find ourselves as role models and inspirational to those around us.  We don't realize it but everyday, people in our lives are watching how we live our lives and make choices based on what they learn from us.  They may never say anything to you, but know that you are being an inspiration to someone, even if it is our children. 

I have come to believe that we learn the most valuable lessons in life in times of adversity.   These difficult times are when we are shaped and molded in the adults that we are intended to be.  Sharing these gifts are just another way to pay it forward.