We have quietly been following all the restrictions that have been imposed on my family since my husband's release. He left our home and is living else where and we make sure that we follow all the rules to the letter. That does not mean that we have given up fighting for what we think is right. We have graciously agreed and adhered to all the rules that the justice system has imposed but we have also kept fighting for what we believe is injustice.
During my husband's sex offender designation hearing process, we came armed with more information than most. We were actually passing case law onto our attorney. We shared as much legal paperwork with him to support the lowest designation as possible and in the end all the hard work paid off. We successfully argued with the over rides that the state was claiming were reasons that he should be a higher risk. We had supporters write letters on his behalf, in support of his character and his risk to others. We walked away from that hearing, feeling like we had finally won a battle and ready to face the next one.
My husband was required to leave our home in August and we have been trying to live as a family under two different roofs. He is currently not even allowed to visit our home. We have been making phone call after phone call to try to get clarification on whether it is even in the probation officers power to force him to move with no success. We would get referred to another phone number, another agency or another attorney. No one seemed able to help for a variety of reasons. Either, we lived in the wrong county, we did not have any money to pay anyone, or they could only help with state offenses, not federal. We did not give up.
Because I am connected with other families going through the same thing, we share stories and experiences, I decided to send one more e-mail. Wahoo!!!! Success!!! We had our first phone call with an attorney who can actually help us. Now we are not sure that this is a fight we even want to take on, but at least we now have an attorney who can tell us if it is a fight we could even win. The attorney is currently fighting a similar case and will get back to us shortly as to what he recommends. We have even proposed some compromises where my husband would still not live in our home but at least be allowed to visit. Not sure how this will play out but I feel like we accomplished so much by finally getting to talk to someone who could possibly help us.
There is room to fight for what is right within the system. Following the rules pays off, we have approval for an overnight visit to some out of town family for the holidays and are looking forward to seeing family. Communicating with others and sharing stories can change lives in ways you would never understand, if it was not for this one e-mail I received, I might not have ever sent the last one. It is our responsibility to educate each other, because the justice system moves with the assumption that many people do not understand how it works. Education is Power and we all need to share what we know to beat the stereotypes and public misconceptions.
Thursday, November 21, 2013
Thursday, November 14, 2013
My Life Could Never Be a Hollywood Movie
Hollywood script writers could not even come close to writing a movie with all the ups and downs in my life. This could probably be said for most of us, but some days it seems truer than others. None of us have lives that fit so nicely into the Hollywood movie formula of "the conflict, the solution and everyone lives happily ever after". With every up, there is a down. Some days there are more downs than up or visa versa, but it is my life and with that I choose to celebrate the ups and learn from the downs.
To continue my story, my husband finally found a job. Right now he is still working through the placement agency but we are hopeful that the company will sign him on permanently. There have already been a few additional pay checks, but it will take a while to get everything caught up. He is not making a ton of money, barely minimum wage, but it is more than nothing and it is a start. He is currently working a second shift, which is great for him and all his requirements. He still has his mornings to get all his necessary things done without it affecting a work day. It also leaves him available to run the kids back and forth for all their outside appointments. However, it is not great for family time, especially when he lives in another house. Unless they have appointments the kids do not see him, except on weekends. I might see him a couple mornings during the week if I have the time to stop on my way to work. The upside for me is that he is not home during the weekday evenings so I am not compelled to leave our house to spend time with him. I have returned to my routine of laundry, groceries and household chores when I have the energy. I am however, driven to get as much of the household stuff done during the week, so my weekends are not so full. This allows us to spend time on the weekends while other things to not get neglected.
With the addition of a job, we needed a second vehicle to allow us to all get back and forth. We actually had to go buy another vehicle. Purchased with a car payment...yuck! I have loved not having a car payment so so long that I hate the idea of making monthly payments. Learning to live so frugally, I am hoping that we can pay it off early. The upside is, it is a nice family size car, my daughter likes to drive it and everyone seems to approve of the purchase.
My husband then received the recommendation from the state for his sex offender designation, without going into great detail, they recommended him a level 2. There are three levels in our state, one being the lowest and least risk, up to a three. This did not make sense to us and it seemed that everything we had been told to do early on was coming back to bite us after the fact. It has been a battle for two months, requiring planning and preparation, but yesterday we won. The judge saw past all the legalese and used common sense and assigned him a level one rating. (No designation would have been the preferred outcome but our system is so screwed up that it would have taken a miracle of biblical proportions for that to happen,) Level one is the absolute best we could have hoped for and means that he can have some sort of normal life. So the outlook today is a good one.
Shortly after my husband came home and was still living with us, he and my daughter went out and picked out a new kitten. Simon was a wonderful addition to our home and seemed to fit in just fine. He was doing well, but I noticed he was no longer playing with his toys and seemed to just enjoying laying with someone. But he must have been sick, one day I noticed that he had not moved from my floor from the night before, I knew something was wrong, and of course it was a Sunday. We had made plans for my husband to take him to the vet first things Monday morning, but at 2:30am Monday, I knew he was not going to make it. I had already buried one beloved pet by myself, I could not do it again. I could not have the kids wake up in the morning and see Simon, so I called my husband and he took Simon to his home. He sat with Simon until he passed away a short time later. I did not tell the kids until later Monday after school. They knew it did not look good but were content to go to school Monday thinking he was going to the vet. What did this mean? The first thing we had done as a family when my husband came home and now he was gone. Simon was a symbol of us moving on and he himself was only with us for three months. I still am unsure of how to understand his short time with us but we have all begun to heal and move on.
My daughter is back in counseling, she is having a hard time dealing with all that having Dad back in her life brings. Having him under our roof meant going there were restrictions on them as well. Restrictions with friends, computers and a constant reminder of the changes in our lives. She is fearful of loosing the quality time that her and I have spent over the years with her softball. She is looking at her life and seeing that it is changing yet again. Right now she sees all the negative changes, I think with time and help she will begin to see the positives as well. She won't loose all the things that she loves, her and I will still be able to spend many long car rides alone and as that reality sets in, things will be good. The irony in this is she had been worried about what to tell people when they asked about her dad, I had the opportunity to introduce my husband to her softball coach and explain where he had been for the last few years, and his response was completely unexpected. He told us that his own father had been incarcerated for 3 years when he was a boy. Who knew!
We never know the stories of all the people around us. So many of us have so many sides, that to assume everyone is perfect, is to put yourself at a disadvantage and set yourself up for disappointment. I like meeting people who are flawed like me and imperfect. I think they are so much more interesting than those people that maintain a facade of perfection. The stories you can share and conversation you can have are great opportunities for growth and understanding. If Hollywood tried to make a movie of my life, it would go on forever and never really seem to find that happily ever after ending, but I admit that sometime I sit back with a snack and laugh at the chaos of it all.
To continue my story, my husband finally found a job. Right now he is still working through the placement agency but we are hopeful that the company will sign him on permanently. There have already been a few additional pay checks, but it will take a while to get everything caught up. He is not making a ton of money, barely minimum wage, but it is more than nothing and it is a start. He is currently working a second shift, which is great for him and all his requirements. He still has his mornings to get all his necessary things done without it affecting a work day. It also leaves him available to run the kids back and forth for all their outside appointments. However, it is not great for family time, especially when he lives in another house. Unless they have appointments the kids do not see him, except on weekends. I might see him a couple mornings during the week if I have the time to stop on my way to work. The upside for me is that he is not home during the weekday evenings so I am not compelled to leave our house to spend time with him. I have returned to my routine of laundry, groceries and household chores when I have the energy. I am however, driven to get as much of the household stuff done during the week, so my weekends are not so full. This allows us to spend time on the weekends while other things to not get neglected.
With the addition of a job, we needed a second vehicle to allow us to all get back and forth. We actually had to go buy another vehicle. Purchased with a car payment...yuck! I have loved not having a car payment so so long that I hate the idea of making monthly payments. Learning to live so frugally, I am hoping that we can pay it off early. The upside is, it is a nice family size car, my daughter likes to drive it and everyone seems to approve of the purchase.
My husband then received the recommendation from the state for his sex offender designation, without going into great detail, they recommended him a level 2. There are three levels in our state, one being the lowest and least risk, up to a three. This did not make sense to us and it seemed that everything we had been told to do early on was coming back to bite us after the fact. It has been a battle for two months, requiring planning and preparation, but yesterday we won. The judge saw past all the legalese and used common sense and assigned him a level one rating. (No designation would have been the preferred outcome but our system is so screwed up that it would have taken a miracle of biblical proportions for that to happen,) Level one is the absolute best we could have hoped for and means that he can have some sort of normal life. So the outlook today is a good one.
Shortly after my husband came home and was still living with us, he and my daughter went out and picked out a new kitten. Simon was a wonderful addition to our home and seemed to fit in just fine. He was doing well, but I noticed he was no longer playing with his toys and seemed to just enjoying laying with someone. But he must have been sick, one day I noticed that he had not moved from my floor from the night before, I knew something was wrong, and of course it was a Sunday. We had made plans for my husband to take him to the vet first things Monday morning, but at 2:30am Monday, I knew he was not going to make it. I had already buried one beloved pet by myself, I could not do it again. I could not have the kids wake up in the morning and see Simon, so I called my husband and he took Simon to his home. He sat with Simon until he passed away a short time later. I did not tell the kids until later Monday after school. They knew it did not look good but were content to go to school Monday thinking he was going to the vet. What did this mean? The first thing we had done as a family when my husband came home and now he was gone. Simon was a symbol of us moving on and he himself was only with us for three months. I still am unsure of how to understand his short time with us but we have all begun to heal and move on.
My daughter is back in counseling, she is having a hard time dealing with all that having Dad back in her life brings. Having him under our roof meant going there were restrictions on them as well. Restrictions with friends, computers and a constant reminder of the changes in our lives. She is fearful of loosing the quality time that her and I have spent over the years with her softball. She is looking at her life and seeing that it is changing yet again. Right now she sees all the negative changes, I think with time and help she will begin to see the positives as well. She won't loose all the things that she loves, her and I will still be able to spend many long car rides alone and as that reality sets in, things will be good. The irony in this is she had been worried about what to tell people when they asked about her dad, I had the opportunity to introduce my husband to her softball coach and explain where he had been for the last few years, and his response was completely unexpected. He told us that his own father had been incarcerated for 3 years when he was a boy. Who knew!
We never know the stories of all the people around us. So many of us have so many sides, that to assume everyone is perfect, is to put yourself at a disadvantage and set yourself up for disappointment. I like meeting people who are flawed like me and imperfect. I think they are so much more interesting than those people that maintain a facade of perfection. The stories you can share and conversation you can have are great opportunities for growth and understanding. If Hollywood tried to make a movie of my life, it would go on forever and never really seem to find that happily ever after ending, but I admit that sometime I sit back with a snack and laugh at the chaos of it all.
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