Opening a Dialogue

With my husband's release being counted down in weeks now instead of years there is so much to think about and plan for.  We are not so naive to think that he will come home and everything will be perfect and life will go on without any more problems...we will live happily ever after.

We recently started a specific task in our letter writing.  The point was to write out some questions, concerns, expectations or issues that we were each worried about with the homecoming.  The topics could be family, spousal, marital or economic, no topic was off limits.  We had a few weeks to think about the big things that we wanted to put down on paper and then agreed to mail them out on the same day.  Doing that would avoid one of us not writing something that the other had already put on their list.  It was a way to judge where the overlap was and it would allow us to see the issues that we both had in common. 

As of now we have both received the others list, and after careful review and thought have responded to that first list.  Let me tell you that the list really got me thinking about a whole bunch of things.  In my reply, I added three more things to my original list, addressed my thoughts about some of his concerns and found myself digging deep and expressing additional concerns that I did not know I still had about our relationship.

Things have been said in these letters that have not been said or discussed in 25 years of knowing each other, which I take as a good sign, but it also makes me wonder why these things had not been talked about sooner.  Some are big things while others are seemingly small, but they are conversations that were never said out loud and some are things that have been said over and over but not heard. 

It surprised me to see some of the same things on both the lists, and then just as surprised at the different things we both had.  Many of his questioned I even addressed in my previous entry Unending List of Questions.  I should have just printed off that list and sent it to him but my list to him is in much greater detail and of a much more personal nature.   I found myself filling multiple pages and actually looking forward to the next exchange when I get his next letter continuing those topics.  To say there was raw emotion and some scabs ripped off some wounds would be an understatement, but all very necessary to have out in the open in order for our relationship to work again when he comes home.

Obviously, continued counseling when he is actually home would be ideal, but our old counselor has moved on to bigger and better things.  It would mean beginning again with someone new and starting the story from the start.  I do not know if anyone has tried to find a counselor they are comfortable with, but it is not an easy task.  We would have to find someone that we are both comfortable with which will make it much more difficult.  Looking through the phone book just does not begin to give you an idea of what you are getting when you sit down and talk with someone.  Though our situation is not unique it is certainly not common, another counselor mentioned that it was like military families reuniting after multiple tours.

This is an attempt on our part to help make the transition better, less awkward and hopefully less painful in the long run.  Thinking, putting your ideas on paper and distancing yourself sure makes arguments harder.  I am not saying there won't be hurt feelings but hopefully it will all be taken with an open heart and mind with a common goal of a united and happy family in the end.