Steps of a Federal Prison Visit

The annual trip for us to head out to visit my husband was a time of bittersweet emotions.  Just knowing that we are going to get to see him is the incentive to go through all the hoops that they require visitors to jump through.  But the anxiety and apprehension that starts days before the visit, I could easily do without. 

It is a feeling that is hard to explain unless you have had to experience it for yourself.  Even though we were only able to visit once a year the knotted stomach, the aches, the anxiety and the depression are feelings that most people share just before a prison visit.  I have friends who visit their loved ones on a regular monthly basis, and still they go through the same emotional upheaval.  I can not imagine going through all those feelings much more often than once a year and yet there are those that do it much more often.  It is hard to explain where those feeling come from and why I let them get to me.  There are so many possibilities that swirl through my head as we are getting prepared for the trip.  Thoughts like, what if he is not allowed to visit us because he is the the SHU? or What if they won't let one of us in because we fail one of their tests? or What if the metal detector goes off and I can not figure out what is setting it off?  Just the thought of having to enter a federal prison facility to visit my husband is enough to put the anxiety front and center.

Driving up and seeing the barbed wire fences for the Medium facility as we head toward the Low facility turns my knuckles white on the steering wheel.  As we exit the car I can feel my stomach start to tie up in knots and a sense of uneasiness comes over me.  Though every facility is different, many things are the same.  At my husband's location we went into a "bus stop" type building to fill out our paperwork, put our name on the visitors list and wait to get called up to the next stop.  All the families in the bus stop develop a relationship and there is a natural rapport between everyone.  We all know why we are there, no one likes why we are there, and everyone has a horror story to share.  We wait patiently until the corrections officer is ready to call us up for the next stop.  She (I say she because it was the same woman for every visit we had with my husband) calls up a group and we silently walk up to the next building.  We drop off our forms and ID and take a seat in the visitor friendly waiting area (That was said with sarcasm by the way).  If it is your first visit, there are photos to be taken and other information that they collect, but I you have been here before, you sit and wait until they call you up again.

If your forms are all correct and they like everything else today, you get called to "sign the book" and get in line to pass through the metal detector.  As you are removing your shoes you are hoping that you are not wearing anything that will set off the detectors,  but if you are, be prepared to have the officer pass over the wand.  Once you have cleared all the screenings and the guards deem what you are wearing is acceptable, you get your hand stamped and have to get back in line to pass through the bars.  I have heard stories of people being turned away for the type of shoes, pants or shirts that they were wearing.  Even small children were sent out until they came back with something better to wear.  I wanted to cry during our last visit when I saw a three year old boy following the routine, passing through the metal detector and putting out his hand for his stamp.  He was only three years old and knew the routine inside and out, it was a sad thought that this was a normal part of his life. 

Passing through the first set of doors you walk up to the next set and wait there until they are opened and you can pass through.  From here you are entering the visitors room.  You are told where to sit and wait for your loved one.  When they finally come out, you get one hug and kiss and that is it.  We were allowed to hold hands but nothing more.  The inmates are not allowed to approach the vending machines or microwaves and yet we have a family picnic on plastic tables and vending machine food.

When it is time to leave, we get another hug and a kiss good bye and then we head to the door.  You get your ID back and they scan your hand for the secret mark that was put there when you came in.  You follow the same officer through the first door and then the same officer scans your hand again to pass through the second door.  Not sure why, it is the same officer and he walks down the hall with you.  What could have changed in that twenty feet?  But you do what you are told.

Passing through the second set of doors, signing the book as you leave and back out into the real world.  I am always so emotional drained by this point that I have to wait a bit before driving away to come back down to reality.  But this last time was different.  It is almost over, the time is passing and soon we can all be in the same state and eventually under the same roof.  The feelings I had knowing that this was my last visit is hard to explain other than the knowledge that I will never have to feel these feelings and anxiety ever again. 

The visits are very clinical but you take what you can get.  It makes me hug my children more and hug them longer.  There is a sense of appreciation for the freedoms that we do have and hope for the future.  I hope that all the families I see when we visit eventually get to be together again and no one finds themselves back inside those fences.

Here's My Sign

Came back from our vacation/prison visit feeling much different than that first trip down over 3 years ago.  The feeling when we walked out of the visitors room for the last time was an overwhelming sense of relief and  I could spend a whole posting talking about our last visit but that is not my intent today.  Today I want to share my latest hurdles that I have been forced to jump over.

We have been patiently waiting to find out about a final approval for my husband release to a "near-by" half way house and had originally been told that it should only take 90 days.  Here we are six months later and have not heard anything.  The counselor in my husbands unit had left, and the position remained unfilled so there was no one to track down any further information.  My husband has a working relationship with the Associate Warden so the warden agreed to look into it for him.

We had previously be told that when he was rejected from one halfway house in the area he would automatically be considered for a second house and we had hoped that he would get approved for the second house.  Other families in our area had been sent to the second house already so we were certain that ultimately he would end up there.  However, when the warden looked into all his paperwork and into the system he discovered that my husband had been denied by the first house (which we expected) way back in April.  It was never entered into the system so it continued to show a pending status.  I am not even going to get into the flaws in their "system", that would be another whole post. 

So needless to say my husband inquired about the automatic referral to the other house in the area and he got a completely different answer than we were expecting.  He was told that he would not automatically be considered for that house.  He would have to have someone on the outside contact his expected probation office and request that his probation be changed to a different office.  Keep in mind that both of these houses are in the same district, they are just in different cities so there would be no change in district.  That is not what happened with other people in the area so we did not understand why we were being told something different.
At this point I have no resolution as of yet and we are still in the middle of figuring it all out but this all leads me to what I wanted to share. 

When my husband laid this in front of me telling me that "if I was willing" this was now going to fall on my shoulders to get him home, my world caved in around me.  He did say that it was his mistake that got him there and he was not expecting me to do it, but asking if I was comfortable doing it.  He gave me the option to say "No". 

I had to take a step back and digest everything that was going on.  Here I am, a single parent not by choice, trying to raise three children on a limited income.  I have one as a freshman in college and two at home trying to maintain a normal life.  I work a full time job where I manage a small manufacturing company and wear many hats every day.  I am a taxi driver for activities and friends 24 hours a day.  I struggle with what little I can do for my ailing father as he is 3 hours away and in nursing care.  I juggle a few outside part-time jobs that I can do when my schedule permits and I spend what time I have left over working with a advocacy group to change the laws and the thinking regarding Federal Crimes and Prison.  Now you want to add calling federal probation employees and campaigning for my husband's release to a half way house?  When am I supposed to find the time and the energy to fight with a system that I already think is broken?  What more could you ask me to do?  How much more could I possibly put on my plate?  I asked myself these questions and so many more.  Do I just let it go and he stays in until his actual release?  How could I look my children in the eye knowing I did not do everything I could to get him nearer home sooner? 

I spend most of my days taking care of someone else, my kids, my co-workers, my father, my friends, my husband and my group, when is someone going to take care of me?  It sounded so selfish but it was what I was feeling.  How much more could be placed on my shoulders?  When is enough, enough?

I got my answer.  Just a few days after I got that awful information I ran into an acquaintance/friend at a public function.  He was always someone who was polite and always said hello.  His family was not one of the families that turned their backs on us, but we had always just had a polite relationship and that how it stayed.  We had the opportunity to talk for a while and he complimented me on my children and how respectful they are and have always been.  He praised me for how we as a family have handled a very difficult situation, and shared with me that his wife held me in high regard for how we have all come through this.  She can not imagine how I juggle all their events and activities, but yet I am always there.  The conversation went on for quite a while and it was one of the most positive conversations I have had with some one in my community in a long time.  I was amazed at the perspective that both he and his wife shared about our family and how I have handled everything. 

So here is my sign, it is not in my nature to be defeated, or at least defeated by apathy or lack of initiative.  I have never backed down or backed away and said that I can not do it.  I have faced the worst and come out on the other side.  I will tackle this hurdle like I have handled all those behind me.  With careful thought and planing, lots and lots of prayer, support from a small group of tremendous friends and the knowledge that I have become a role model for others I must face this challenge head held high.  It may not be my choice to be a role model, but by my actions, the decisions I have made, the choices put before me and my own nature I find myself being watched and admired by people I never even knew were looking.