What does the Future Hold?

You would think that being this close to the end I would feel a sense of joy or even a sense of relief but that is not how I feel at all.  It is hard to explain, but I can compare it to seeing something you want on a shelf that is out of reach and having absolutely no way to get it.

It is hard to share these feelings with my friends whose loved ones still have years left to count and we are down to months.  They are jealous that we have an actual end date and theirs is still so far in future.  I feel guilty for not being more "happy".  I am still on pins and needles waiting to hear if the halfway house has approved him for that date.  We were told it could take about 2-3 months for that decision to come, and we still have not heard anything.  So we wait.

There is also the fear about how our lives are going to change once again.  We have lived a relatively quiet existence for the last 4 years and now law enforcement will be part of our lives again.  There are so many things that are unknown for us that it puts a knot in my stomach when I think about it all.  I am torn between something that I want very badly and fearful of what comes with it.

We have all changed so much in these last years that it will take some time to get to know each other all over again.  My oldest is on the way to becoming a man, although he thinks he already is.  My daughter and son are now teenagers, they are no longer the young children that they were when he went in.  I see changes in them daily that I can not begin to imagine how much they have actually changed over a long period of time.  Let's not even consider just the fact of having another adult in the house, another schedule to fit in and body to work around.  Not to mention how outside family will factor into everything.  Will the house suddenly be full of visiting family or will they allow us the time we need to get familiar without outside influences?  Yet there are people who I can not wait to introduce him to. 

With the changes in both me and my husband, it will be like getting to know him all over again.  Yes, we talk on the phone, write and e-mail but it can not begin to replace the quiet conversations that a wife and a husband share when the house is quiet.  Our values, our thinking and our goals have all changed.  It does not mean that they are in opposite directions it just means that they are not what we once knew.  Will I know what he is thinking when I see a certain look in his eye?  I know he will still always choose chocolate over vanilla but there will be a learning period to get to know him all over again.  It is a bit scary.  I do not even need to mention the intimacy issue.  I have been alone for what will be 5 years and now I am suddenly expected to share all the most private areas of my life with someone who is not completely familiar to me.  I will be forced to face all new issues about trust and any residual anger that has been buried because I have not had to face them head on...I will soon. 

It reminds me of the old ketchup commercial, the anticipation is what I can't stand.  Let's just get on with it and forget all this waiting for the shoe to drop.