You Should Have to Take a Maturity Test to be a Parent

I have started a couple of different posts this month, but I just can't seem to finish them.  This has certainly been a roller coaster of a month.  Not a big bad roller coaster, but one that has just enough loop d' loops to leave me a bit unsettled.  I have gone from moments of joyful amazement to suddenly finding myself in a situation that takes me all the way back to those original feelings of anxiety and hurt.   I have had times when I found myself enlightened only to leave me angry because I did not know this information sooner.  The highs and lows somehow seem exaggerated.  There are more times that I coast somewhere in the middle but possibly because I have been so in tuned to how I am feeling that I seem happier when I am happy, angrier when I am angry, and lower when I am feeling low.

I had one moment at a basketball game when someone who had not been very nice to me since all this started, came up to me and I was able to say "Hi" and she responded nicely with a smile.  I thought that maybe people were finally moving beyond all the bad feelings.  It gave me feelings of hopefulness that we could all move beyond this.  Then I made the mistake of heading to the concession stand for a blow pop.  I knew the people behind the counter, one I knew as an acquaintance and never really had much of a conversation with, the other had been a pretty good friend but had stopped talking to me because I was no longer part of the "in" crowd".  It seemed that she had been warming back up to me recently.  Well they were out of blow pops so I just asked my daughter for a piece of gum and we left.  I joked with my daughter that I am sure they were having a laugh at my expense but we moved on to watch the game.  Little did I know how right I was.  Another friend whose daughter was working in the stand came up and told her mother that she could not work there anymore because of the nasty things they were saying about me.  I was stunned.  Not only were these "adult" women talking behind my back but in front of younger children.   

Those comments affected me for a number of days and I had to keep reminding myself of exactly what I tell my daughter "do not let it get to you" and all the other things we tell our children as they try to make it through middle school.  I do not know the reasons for what they said, but at the same time what they had to say will not change any way that I live my life.  I live my life based on what is best for my children.  I will attend those games and scream their names and love watching them until I no longer need to be there.  It is only at that time that I will not need to enter that judgmental environment where some kids never really grow up, they just become ignorant parents.  As a single parent with three kids I have severe limits on my time.  I will not volunteer to work or spend hours of my time when it conflicts with the activities that are important to my kids and don't criticize me for not working and say at the same time that you would never call and ask for my help.  That just shows how shallow and immature you really are, and you should really be ashamed if a child knows that what you are saying is wrong. 

Watching the activities on senior night only strengthens those emotions when I see kids thanking their parents and every other family member who lives in this tight knit community, from grandparents to aunts and uncles.  My heart breaks because my son will only have his Mom, no dad will be there.  I am not sure that he will even thank him based on his feelings at this point.  There will not be any grandparents to thank, no aunts, no uncles, no extended family that comes every week to support them, just me.  So having other parents question my choice in how I spend my time effects me greatly because I choose my kids.  I don't have the time to spend manning a food booth while my children are having the game of their career.   If I am not there watching them, no one is.
 
It is funny how we are so quick to make judgments about others lives when we know very little about their lives.  Whether they be someone who thinks they know you well or someone who you have never said more than a fleeting hello to, who are we to sit in judgment of choices others make in their lives?  Should I take a public vote every time I make a decision so as not to offend anyone's opinions of how I should be living my life.  At one time I always volunteered and I ran all those stands but not any longer.  I am not sure if that is what makes me an easy target, or maybe it is because I am the common enemy.  Is who they are and what they say really important?  They are not so important, but the lesson in all of this that it reminds me of what and who are the important people in my life and I will stand up against the devil to make sure my kids come first.

There have been so many lessons in all of this, one of greatest ones, and one that I try to pass on to my children, is to not judge others.  Ultimately that will fall in God's hands.  Judge not lest ye be judged.  And it makes my life so much easier.  I don't have the time or energy to worry about how other people are living their lives.  Maybe I should be flattered that I am important enough to them that they spend time talking about me, because I never think about them!

Thoughts From Inside A Federal Prison

I am not writing today's entry, recently I decided that I would put a challenge out to my husband that I thought would be of value.  I challenged him to write an entry that I could post from him.  I asked him to use his words and give his perspective about what our lives are like right now from his view inside the barbed wire fence.  I found some very interesting thoughts in there that even I was not aware of so I hope you find some value in it as well.  All that follows is his entry as my guest writer.

It has been two years now since I left my family.  I remember that cold, snowy January morning like it was yesterday.  I gave my children a goodbye hug as they headed off to school not knowing the next time I would see them.  They knew I was headed to court for sentencing.  My wife and I headed out for one of the longest 40 minute drives of our lives. 

In the courtroom I had the support of my wife and one longtime friend.  There was another small group of community members who watched and preferred that I receive the maximum sentence plus some.  I had done everything I was supposed to do in preparation for this day and prayed that I would be spared.  The judge then ruled for 5 years in prison starting that very day.  I was not going home.  My wife and I exchanged tearful goodbyes.  It felt like someone had just ripped my heart out and threw it away.

For two months I was bounced from one facility to the next until I ended up at my permanent prison.  At that time I was finally stripped of my street clothes, they were boxed up and mailed home.  I can not imagine how my wife felt when that box arrived. 

Then the letters started coming from my wife and remain coming to this day.  She records the daily activities for her and the kids and sends photos of all the important moments.  I was told by the other guys here that it was inevitable that after a year she would move on.  There would be no more letters except the divorce papers.  I had not met but one or two other guys that still had solid marriages and began to wonder if they might be right.

Well it has been two years and my wife is my true friend and love.  She is focused on the time when I will be released and we can spend time together.  I truly had missed the true meaning of LOVE in our relationship prior to coming to prison.  I lost touch with my family, faith and respect for myself.  I have turned to my faith as a source of inner strength to help me reconnect with who I want to be.  I will be a better man, husband, father and friend when I exit these walls.  My wife and family deserve that from me.

My wife has gotten connected with a support group that has turned out to be the greatest group of people.  I know they have given her the strength to carry on her everyday activities.

My message would be that you do not realize what life provides you until it is taken away.  Stop and look at your life and communicate with your loved ones.  When you touch your spouse or hug your children imagine having that taken away from you.  There are nights when I lay awake wanting to hold my loved one's hand and wish for someone to say that everything will be OK.  It never happens and I can only hope that I will see them in my dreams.  Life is short and we all need to use good judgement when making choices in life.  I know I will.