Surviving the Season Alone

Here we are coming upon our second Christmas with my husband incarcerated, and I am thinking that this season will really not be any easier than last.  Christmas still remains his favorite time of the year so with every Christmas carol or Christmas light display I am reminded that he is not here with us.  Some things are better for us this year than last and I may be more prepared to handle the emotions of it all, but that does not make the emotions any less.  It just means that I am getting better at dealing with them all.

I have plans to spend some time with family and friends throughout the holiday season and those times will be joyous and filled with laughter I am sure, but there will still be the "elephant in the room" at every function and event.  There are reminders everyday that I am going through another holiday alone, whether it be wrapping presents alone, attending services without him there or playing Santa in the wee hours of the morning struggling with the contradictions of the lack of sleep and loneliness, and trying to find the joy in surprising the kids with Christmas.

I think people loose sight that our life is anything but normal because we have all gotten so well at hiding that part of our lives from the world.  People see us living our lives and forget that having a loved one in prison is a cross that we carry with us every waking hour of every day.  Recently a male friend and coach took my daughter to a sports practice, and we joked prior to her leaving about how many people would ask her if that was her father.  Human nature did not disapoint, and 3 or 4 people did ask her that question, being the confident young lady that she is, she replied that "he is a coach" and left it at that. 

The kids were thrilled to finally be able to send e-mails to their father since the system is finally up and running at his facility.  It may not be immediate like regular e-mail but it is yet another way he can stay connected with them.  Other families are used to cell phones, instant messaging and texting to stay in touch with other family, but we take a step back in time and are just being told that we can be part of the electronic age.  It is through the kindness of family and friends that our holiday will seem normal with gifts for everyone under the tree as I sometimes silently struggle to pay all the necessary bills and still have money to buy the groceries and gas to get me to work.  But these are things that remain hidden to the general public and are not part of their everyday lives so they look at us from the outside and things appear pretty normal.

My ultimate goal this year is to NOT have a beakdown on Christmas day, maybe save it for the quiet time when everyone has gone to bed.  I know the emotions are bubbling under the surface so I can only hope for the strength to control them so the world can continue to think that our family is normal and that we are happy all of the time. 

I do wish everyone out there, especially those in the same position, a joyous holiday.  Make it the best holiday that it can be giving the circumstances that you find yourself.  Christmas is a time for hope, love, joy and peace and share that with everyone you know.  Hope that your loved one remains safe where ever they are, Love that you already offer unconditionally, Joy that you are alive and your family will someday be whole again and Peace for all the world and that they learn to forgive as only you can truly understand.