The Ever Changing World

I seem so much more aware of the ever changing world around me.  It has become my job to live my life both for me and for my husband.  I am responsible for sharing every little event with him in some way.  It may be a few words in a phone call or it may be a long descriptive narrative in a letter.  In the process of watching life as though I am a camera lens and mentally recording everything, I find that I am much more attune to the changes that are occurring around me.
 
I spoke with my brother last night and he informed me that this would be my father's last holiday season at home.  His health and mental capacity are deteriorating very quickly and if time permits, at the start of the new year, he will have to be placed in a nursing home.  The family believes that at that time he would not even be cognizant of his surroundings and his daily care is becoming much more than any one person can handle.

This news does not surprise me since I have seen him slowly fading away from us as the dementia slowly eats away at who he is.  I believe that after my mother passed away he lost a lot of the fight that used to be in him.  What makes me ponder this next phase, is all the new changes that it will bring?  Both my parents will be gone, I feel like I am way to young to loose both parents, but it is an adjustment that I will have to get used to.  Going home will never be the same.  My brother will be in the house, but going home meant more than going to a specific place.  It meant going to where life was safe, it was a place where love was given unconditionally, and it meant surrounding myself with people who were always in my corner no matter what.

How does life change again?  The family dynamic changes yet again, I will only have my bother and his family left as part of my immediate family.  I have a sister, but for her reasons, we have not had any type of familial relationship for way too many years.  I would love to have a relationship with her but it is for her own reasons and I have accepted her choices for now.  I have a wonderful, extended family of aunts, uncles and cousins who remind me how wonderful my family genes are when we can get together.  I make the effort to see them whenever possible.  It works out to 2 or 3 times a year but that is better than nothing.  Many times it was only for weddings and funerals, and as we are all getting older it is more often a funeral now than a wedding.  But there is so much joy in spending time with family even in a time of sorrow that I find their presence such a comfort and unbelievably uplifting.

I watch my children grow and mature and record every little occasion of significance only to relay to my husband later.  A compliment from a teacher at school becomes fodder for a long paragraph about how well our kids are getting along.  A small accomplishment or change, such as one of them eating tuna or peanut butter, since they used to not like it, now finds itself documented and mailed off as part of today's events.  Do we all look at the world and our surroundings so closely? or am I the exception because of the situation that has been placed before me?

I am in the middle of all this change and am sometimes overwhelmed by it all, I can not begin to imagine how it will impact my husband.  The world will be a different place when he comes home and we will all be different people.  Time has stopped for him, his world is this one place for the next 2 plus years and what goes on outside those walls is just words and stories.  It will be testament to his character and strength in how he adjusts to all the changes and the challenges he has yet to face.

Nothing in the Federal Prison System is Easy

My husband is the guy who needs to wear his glasses to bed so he can see what he is dreaming about, so needless to say, his glasses are the first thing he puts on in the morning and the last thing he takes off.  He planned, and took care of many things in anticipation of his incarceration, but he could not find the time or money to get new glasses.  He wears the typical coke bottle lenses, so, for years we paid extra for the new technology which offered thinner lenses, had the edges rounded, and any coatings which would all make them look better and yet still allow him to see.

Unfortunately, now those old glasses are becoming scratched and difficult to see through.  He did manage to get an eye exam and an updated prescription.  Of course over three years his prescription has changed.  As an inmate, they are not allowed to have anything valued over $100.  They can wear their wedding ring as long as it has no stones in it and his eye wear can not exceed the $100 value either. 

Since he can not function without his glasses, my husband put in a request for the special, prison glasses while he waited for me to find him some new glasses on the outside.  Well, the prison glasses are the old heavy plastic frames and are made by other inmates.  He thought they were making him sick because it was a new prescription but now he is not sure if they were even made correctly.  One of the other inmates has to use his glasses upside down and backwards in order to see anything. 

I did manage to get him a new pair of frames and lenses for $99 with a copy of his new prescription that he sent to me, but the problem now is trying to get the glasses to him.  He has to put a request form through so that when the glasses are sent in, there is an authorization on file for him to receive them.  It originates in one office and then is forwarded to the medical office, and then from there it is sent back to him so he can then forward it on to me where I then send it back with the glasses and a receipt showing the purchase price.  The problem is, the form has an expiration date and everything needs to be done before it expires. 

I was able to get his glasses on Aug. 26 and it was at that time that he started the internal process to get his form approved.  Here it is a whole month later and he has not had the form returned to him yet and it will expire on Oct. 1st.  He has checked with the medical department and was told they would try to find it, but as of today, he has not received anything.  If he does get it today, it will take 2 to 3 days for me to receive it via snail mail, so I might get the form by the 28th or 29th.  Anyone who does business with the US Post office knows that there is no way he will have those glasses by Oct. 1, and anyone who has sent something to a federal prison knows that you really have no other options for shipping anything.  It is not like I could send it UPS. 

I am not trying to send him money, or what they would call contraband.  I am trying to send him glasses so he can function and see what he is doing and where he is going.  He had glasses when he came in, he has a signed prescription from their doctor, and I have met all the cost requirements so why can't I just get him his glasses. 

People talk of the luxury prisoners sit back with enjoying life on the taxpayers dime, with their cable TV, and all the amenities but I can assure you that this is not the case in every facility.  The biggest guy gets to decide what to watch on TV,a mattress that is only 4 inches thick, and living and sleeping in a room with 10 others guys is not what I would call living in the lap of luxury. 

For those of you that think this is easy, I would gladly offer you my shoes.  The things we take for granted, like being able to put on a pair of glasses to read the paper are things we have to fight for and spend way too much energy on.  Reading his letters, I really appreciate my fresh apples and bananas and on Sunday morning, my over easy eggs taste extra special, unless I choose to have waffles instead...but I can and so can you.

Two Very Powerful Words

A series of events took place recently that really got me thinking about our place in this world and how we relate to each other, and in those thoughts something seem to hit me like a baseball bat.  There are two words (three if you are really picky) which can change our families, our communities, and even the world.  Those words are I'M SORRY. 

I know it is our nature to hate to admit when we have done something wrong whether intentionally or not, but the power behind those words is worth the humility it requires.  Think of the last time you screwed up at work, how much energy did you spend trying to hide from the error?  Consider the power that you would have had, had you just taken responsibility for the mistake and offered to fix the problem.  I have seen it in action, and have heard from other employees how impressed they were that one person stood up and owned the problem.

It happens in our personal lives with families and friends.  None of us want to admit that we are not perfect but in preserving our own perfection we are hurting those closest to us.  When those two words, I'm sorry, are shared, both sides win.  Instantly any feelings of hurt are washed away and we have humbled our selves by admitting that we too make mistakes.  The person on the receiving end gets more than an apology, they also know that you care about their feelings and value your relationship.

Thinking globally, how many situations occur every day that may simply have been avoided had one side simply said "I'm sorry and we were wrong."  Our human stubbornness kicks in and prevents us from being the one to back down.  How many times have you watched or listened to politicians and known that certain things were agreed upon just so they could save face and not look like they were wrong?

Think about the great comeback stories through out our lives, many of them earned the opportunity to try again by simply saying I'm sorry, I made a mistake, and I need to change.  The list is long and distinguished but a question today is why can't we offer that same opportunity to those closest to us, the not so famous but the oh so more important. 

The road to redemption, whether it is short or long, begins with an apology, but unless it is received with an open heart and mind it ultimately goes nowhere.  It is truly a two way street and one that some of us refuse to travel. 

For those seeking forgiveness, start with a heartfelt apology and for those on the receiving end, remember what is was like for you that last time someone offered to forgive you.  The power is in our hands to change the world with two words.

The Invisible Man

 A thought came to mind the other day as I was filling out the endless amount of forms and notices sent home from the school and teachers on the first few days of school.  I no longer put my husband's name, address or phone number on any of the forms.  He is still their father, but my original thoughts were that it was for contact information and since it would be impossible for anyone to contact him, what would be the point of putting that information out there.  Another form asks who the children reside with, and of course, it is just with their mother.  Taking my daughter to play for a new high level sports team, and the team rooster lists the players, moms and dads and all their contact information.  My daughters name, simply listed MOM, the line for Dad was empty.

It seems that the very nature of the system necessitates making my husband invisible in the lives of our children.  Is he considered a "non-parent" because he can not receive all those e-mail updates from the teachers about upcoming homework and tests?  He is not even listed as a person to contact in case of an emergency.  I can't even contact him easily in an emergency...and I know because I had to. 

The federal prison system is inherently designed to put a greater distance between my husband and his children.  They claim their goal is to keep families together and to create a  support system for the offender but is does just the opposite.  He is only allowed 300 phone minutes a month at 15 maximum each call.  At 15 minutes you are simply just cut off.   He spends most of those minutes on calls to home but does use some to call his parents. 

He is 500+ miles away from his family at a facility four states away.  Right now he has no access to e-mail, which for kids growing up now is a basic form of communication. Although I am told that the facility is adding the infrastructure to add e-mail.  But I am also cautious because we are not certain of the fees to use such a service, they charge so much for phone calls, one can only think that the cost will be well beyond what most can afford to use regularly. 

There is a physical distance, an emotional distance and a complete lack of his influence in their lives on a daily basis.  We see him once a year because of the costs and distance to travel.  He may have to opportunity to talk to any one of them only once a week for a few minutes.  Regular mail is slow and ineffective for young children to express everything they want to share.   The normalcy of our lives does not include him in any way.  We do many things now as a family, sometimes never even thinking that he is not part of our activities.

So you tell me, how easy will it be for him to come home and be a functioning member of society, when we are not even sure he can be a functioning member of our family.  I can only imagine that things will be very difficult to fit back into the family dynamic for all of us.  My oldest will be in college and my youngest will have started high school.  They will all be young adults and when he left they were young children.   What are the benefits to society that he be incarcerated this way?  Other than to serve as retribution for those that simply want to punish him, there is nothing else positive to be gained by this experience that could not have been taught in another way. 

Instead of just punishing him, we his family, are also being punished.  Someone needs to look my three children in the eye and tell them what they did within their young lives to suffer such a punishment.  Someone needs to tell them why their father is now "The Invisible Man"

A Year Older, But A Year Better?

September, it is the time when the kids head back to school, summer is quickly becoming a distant memory, the leaves will change colors and fall very quickly and it is also the month I turn another year older.  Birthdays were never really celebrated much in my house growing up so I never really expect much.  Although there is still that small hope that hides inside that this year, your birthday will be the best day ever.  I try not to let that hope grow too much because then I would definitely be disappointed. 

Now especially, when the one person in the world, who is supposed to care about you more than any other person, is unable to do anything for you, who is left?  This year I will not even get that one card from my Mom since this will be my first birthday without her here.  Your birthday comes and goes quietly and maybe one or two cards in the mail, but for the most part a pretty uneventful day.  Don't get me wrong, I am not expecting party clowns, surprise parties, or even a thousand gifts.  I would just like to know from the people that mean the most to me, that I mean the most to them. 

Ideal gifts would be coming home from work to a clean house, dinner made and a nice dessert from the kids.   A few phone calls or messages from the rest of the world letting me know that I have not been forgotten.  I spend my life taking care of three wonderful kids, holding down a full time job and trying to keep my husband a part of our lives as best I can that I get lost in everything that I am doing for everyone else.  I would like someone to take care of me and care about what I think just for a few minutes. 

Not sure how things will play out this year, but I have already told my husband that he has a bunch of making up to do when he comes home.  So I will just add this to his list. 

But am I better in addition to being older?  I would like to think so.  I am much more patient with the kids (although they probably would not agree), I am much more tolerant of other people, I have learned to forgive,  I have learned to go without, I have learned to appreciate the little things in life, I have learned to accept help when it is offered,  and I have learned to ask for help when I need it (although it is still very hard to do).  I find myself standing taller and laughing more.  I approach life much differently than I did just a few years ago.    I am confident that we will get through this and yet we will all be OK and be a family again when we get to the other side. 

So am I better?  Yes.  I would have to admit that I am a better person because of everything we have gone through.  Every bump, every road block has affected me in a positive way and made me grow as a person.  Like a piece of coal under great stress and force, a diamond eventually emerges...so here's to hoping I do not crack under the pressure.