Reoccurring Theme

There seems to be a reoccurring theme in my life these days...forgiveness.  Everywhere I turn and around every corner it is staring right back at me.  For the last 2 years I have been battling the questions of forgiveness:  Why have I forgiven my husband?  Why can't others forgive him? Why do people question my ability to forgive? and on and on.

I am not sure I can begin to understand the answers to any of these questions.  Clarissa Pincola Estes was quoted as saying “How does one know if she has forgiven? You tend to feel sorrow over the circumstance instead of rage, you tend to feel sorry for the person rather than angry with him. You tend to have nothing left to say about it all.” and that seems to sum it all up for me. Looking back on my life I realize that I have always been willing to forgive others, wishing that the best in them would win out.  And yet, I would be so confused as to why some people could not forgive anything.  I have members in my own family who have carried grudges or anger with them for decades.  Don't they realize that it is themselves that they are harming.

The same goes for society as a whole, we are quick to blame, point the finger, gossip and belittle those we feel have wronged the world, but carrying that within yourself only affects your own quality of life.  There is a point when your emotions only affect how you live and no one else.  Those negative feelings affect your health and your own personal relationships but ultimately they no longer affect the target of those feelings. 

Believe it or not one of the hardest people we have to forgive in our daily lives is to learn to forgive ourselves.  We are not perfect and I know I am not, but I strive for perfection and yet it is always just outside my grasp. Forgiving my own failings has been a lesson in all of this as well.

I have learned so much on my journey and yet have so much more to learn.  I have found people who forgive as easily and love simply.  I have found that I am more patient with imperfection, although still hardest on myself and I have found true joy in being able to tell those around me that I can offer them my forgiveness.  And true forgiveness is a gift both given and received.  Forgive today's imperfections, for tomorrow offers the opportunity to begin again.

Energized

Feeling empowered lately, but the thanks for that goes to my Group.  We are a bunch of family members who are upset by the current legal system, punishments assigned to some crimes, and the disparity between federal and state sentences.  Our numbers are growing and that tells me that I am NOT alone.  I feel blessed to have these wonderful people in my life now and look upon them as part of the silver lining.  The only thing we all have in common is the situation of our loved ones, none of us knew each other prior to six months ago.

I had decided that if I could not find a support group for myself I would start one and it is with the first phone call to try to find others that I found out this group had recently started.  I had only missed 1 meeting.  As far as we know we are the only organized group in the county. They are parents, spouses and children who are looking to fight the system.  We have sent out letters to the Judicial Review Committee, national politicians and have already met with some of our local Congressmen. 

It feels good to direct my energy in a positive direction.  I wish there was a group out there for everyone going through this.  Being in a room with people who have walked in your shoes and make no judgements is a humbling feeling and leaves you with such a feeling of warmth and belonging that I can not begin to verbalize how great it really is.

Not sure any of it will get my husband home earlier but I know it will help some family in the future not go through the same things that we have all had to endure, and that thought keeps me going and going and going.