Things You Miss

It has been awhile since my last post, that does not mean that things are going smoothly. Things have been going OK because we are getting used to living day to day with just one parent in the home. The counselor indicated that the kids have adjusted to having just one parent at home, not really sure if that is good or bad. Good for now and in making their lives easier to handle but is it bad in that they are getting used to not having Dad at home? Will Dad just be this voice over the phone and a pen pal that they share stories with? What role will he play now and in the future?

Issues with my Mom and her health at this time has made it evident that she is preparing to die. I can see in her eyes that she has given up, and is waiting to be free of the pain. Heart problems lead to the discovery of cancer, but with her weakened heart she can not tolerate any cancer treatment. So for us it is a question of "when" and not "if". With my Dads dementia we are not certain of how much he understands about what is going on. But now is when I miss my husband the most. He has always been the rational voice to keep me sane in times of tragedy, the shoulder to cry on, and the rock upon which I could lean. He is not here! Who is there for me. I am trying to be strong for my brother who is in the thick of it all as the primary care giver and offering any assistance I can, but I am still losing my mother.

My husband is gone, I am losing my mother and we are not certain how long my Dad will last without my Mom. And yet I still have to be strong for 3 kids and family who continue to lean on me.

Sadness, anger, and loneliness are emotions that are always close at hand although I try not to let the world see them. Most people don't really want to hear the truth when they ask "how are you?' so I keep those emotions to myself and only experience them when I am away from the rest of the world. Just when I have mastered a new issue about being alone something else is thrown in front of me. It seems that it has become a test, what new issue will be before me next? I can't help but wonder over the course of his sentence what else could possibly be put in my path. These are constant reminders of how much I miss him and what he brought to my life.

What will I miss tomorrow? What will I have to learn to handle on my own? The journey continues...