More Changes

A week ago today I received a phone call telling me that my Mom had passed away, another part of my life going through changes. I contacted the school, advising them that the kids would be out for a few days and made all the other arrangements I needed to make to be out of town for a number of days. We headed home the following morning to spend the time with family.

During all of this I had not heard from my husband for a number of days and was just beginning to worry but it was not a priority at this point for me. He had no idea my Mom had passed away and I did not know how to get the information to him. I was just hoping he would eventually call. Being with family was both a blessing and a test. Certain family members really know how to push all the right buttons, and I have one in particular. I had been informed that " I had not been with my Mom the last few weeks so I did not know her wishes". I found this very hurtful so I directed my energy elsewhere, I spent much of my time trying to help my Dad with whatever he needed like his ironing, haircuts, and meals. I had very little input in her final arrangements but I am confident that my Dad was glad I was there. At the last minute however I was asked to make remarks at her funeral on behalf of the family and I readily accepted the invitation.

I had finally been able to get a message to my husband and he called home the night before the funeral. Turns out there had been some kind of altercation almost a week and half earlier but he did not tell me about it because he did not want to worry me more. Well how did that work out for you! Instead of being able to focus on my family I spent many hours trying to track him down, checking his status on-line, checking the money in his phone account and anything else I could think of that will tell me why he had not called. He was actually in solitary and had no phone privileges. Of all weeks! One of the worst weeks of my life and he is not available to me in any way. Normally I would have phone calls but not this week, why?

The old anger resurfaces and I am upset because he is not with us, that is where he is supposed to be. Let's not mention that this is the first time I have seen many of my extended family and wonder how many of them wonder where my husband is. No one asked where he was but I wondered who knew and what they were all thinking.

The kids were supportive and kept their normal attitudes in check so for the most part things went pretty well. Time spent with the family was wonderful and helped make a difficult time a little easier. It was very hard to come home and face the world alone again, and seems to be a reminder of the fact that I am alone in this world right now and it is all because of his stupidity. I have not talked to him since the one call and do not know when I will talk to him again. I continue to get letters but even they don't seem to be enough.

My life, for the last 2 years now seems to be constantly changing and I have never been afraid of change but lets slow the pace down a little and not make all the changes at once.

Things You Miss

It has been awhile since my last post, that does not mean that things are going smoothly. Things have been going OK because we are getting used to living day to day with just one parent in the home. The counselor indicated that the kids have adjusted to having just one parent at home, not really sure if that is good or bad. Good for now and in making their lives easier to handle but is it bad in that they are getting used to not having Dad at home? Will Dad just be this voice over the phone and a pen pal that they share stories with? What role will he play now and in the future?

Issues with my Mom and her health at this time has made it evident that she is preparing to die. I can see in her eyes that she has given up, and is waiting to be free of the pain. Heart problems lead to the discovery of cancer, but with her weakened heart she can not tolerate any cancer treatment. So for us it is a question of "when" and not "if". With my Dads dementia we are not certain of how much he understands about what is going on. But now is when I miss my husband the most. He has always been the rational voice to keep me sane in times of tragedy, the shoulder to cry on, and the rock upon which I could lean. He is not here! Who is there for me. I am trying to be strong for my brother who is in the thick of it all as the primary care giver and offering any assistance I can, but I am still losing my mother.

My husband is gone, I am losing my mother and we are not certain how long my Dad will last without my Mom. And yet I still have to be strong for 3 kids and family who continue to lean on me.

Sadness, anger, and loneliness are emotions that are always close at hand although I try not to let the world see them. Most people don't really want to hear the truth when they ask "how are you?' so I keep those emotions to myself and only experience them when I am away from the rest of the world. Just when I have mastered a new issue about being alone something else is thrown in front of me. It seems that it has become a test, what new issue will be before me next? I can't help but wonder over the course of his sentence what else could possibly be put in my path. These are constant reminders of how much I miss him and what he brought to my life.

What will I miss tomorrow? What will I have to learn to handle on my own? The journey continues...