Another Year of Firsts He Will Miss

What a busy time of life.  The school year is underway once again, but what makes a difference this year is that my oldest is a senior in high school.  This is his final year of high school so it is a year of many "firsts" yet to come.

My daughter started her first official year of high school, and my youngest turns 13 in a week.  Though most would look on this as another busy school year it is so much more.  My son already had his senior pictures taken and of course I will send as many copies to my husband as possible but again it is another thing my husband will miss.  Upcoming this year we have college exams, college applications, SAT and ACTs, senior yearbooks, senior trips, prom and senior recognition nights for each sports team throughout the year.  How, or even will my son recognize or even pay tribute to the contributions that his father has made in his life prior to his incarceration? Will the anger and the fact that his father is in prison now negate all the other good from the past?  Does he stand tall and proud when they announce both his parents or does he succumb to the external pressures and leave his fathers name off?  If so, not only is my husband unable to be here physically but he will not even be here in spirit.  The negative influences in the community would have won and successfully erased my husband from the general consciousness.

But my son continues to surprise me and step up by making the right choices.  It will be hard time for all of us. I never claimed that doing what is right is always easy.  I probably spend more time thinking and worrying about these things than my kids do or even my husband does.  The kids don't think much past what they are wearing to school tomorrow much less the upcoming school year and my husband doesn't think about much of what is going on here since he is so disconnected from what we do everyday.  But because I am stuck between the two worlds I spend time worrying about and thinking about what is to come.  I have had enough surprises that I am always preparing for every option.  If I can take one small second of time and feed my son one little tidbit of thought that will help push him in the right direction then I will take that opportunity. 

There are things I don't dwell on with my husband, I tell him what is going on but do not always go into great detail.  Sometimes I think that sharing too much with him will only make him feel worse about not being there for his family.  I don't always share the worst, like how I might be struggling this week with shut off notices, or the best, like when we spend a glorious afternoon with friends laughing and having a wonderful day.  I think the highs and lows for us would all equate to lows for him so tempering what I share is important to me.  How much do I share with him about this monumental year for my son?  It will be so busy at times for me that I may have to pick and choose what I pass on.  Keeping in mind that I still have two other children who also have busy lives that time and attention needs to be balanced.

My husband will never get this year back and hopefully my son can forgive his absence because my husband will be home when the other two children celebrate their senior year of high school.  But my husband will also have a life time to make up for that on his own.  It is not my job to repair their relationship, this is way too big for me, it is my job to keep their minds and hearts open to each others point of view.  It may take years for them to heal the wounds but I pray for that day and it is in the hope of that day that I continue to worry, fight and be a nag.