Happy? Anniversary

Yesterday was my second wedding anniversary spent alone.  Days like that bring all the bad feelings right up to the surface.  My husband called early in the day because of his new work schedule and even though it was nice talking to him, those 15 minutes were way too short.  Then, instead of having something to look forward to during the day, it was over before the day had even started.  What more was there to hope for during the day?  I knew there would be no letter waiting when I got home either based on the mail schedule and patterns we have developed, there is usually nothing in the mail on Tuesdays.

But guess what? Life goes on.  Kids off to school, and me off to work, from work off to a baseball game and then before you know it, it is time for bed and the whole thing starts again.  I continue living life as the dysfunctional family that we have settled into.  We are not much different than most single parent households, but at the same time we are still different so it has still been difficult.  We are all still adjusting to our new roles and the expectations we all have for each other.  I never was one to shy away from making the decisions in the house but at the same time it seems daunting to be the one making ALL the decisions and handling everything.

We recently had 2 birthdays in the house and the oldest just turned 16 so he now has a permit and wants to drive everywhere.  In his eyes that makes him more of an adult, but anyone with a 16 year old knows that that is the furthest thing from the truth.  My daughter is officially a teenager now and is constantly going somewhere doing something.  We have a normal sense of chaos all the time which keeps me busy and keeps me from spending too much time thinking.

It is on days like this that I wonder what the future holds for us.  Who will he be when he comes home?  Will he change for the better? or worse? or maybe a combination of the two.  Better in some ways and worse in others.  Am I hoping for too much?  Am I creating an unrealistic picture of who I want him to be?  Like everything else, this will be just something else we will have to work through and hopefully come out with a positive outcome.  Part of me wonders if I am waiting for him now only to have the whole thing fall apart when he gets home and feel that I could have moved on sooner.  We know that there will be a period of adjustment for everyone and how that plays out, who knows.  As adults, we can understand that but what do you tell and expects from the kids?

But life continues for us all, and though I have allowed myself time to ponder the future I do not have the luxury to spend hours dwelling on it, which is a good thing.  I share as much of our lives with my husband as possible and continue to be the glue that is struggling to hold everything and everyone together.  I am told from people on the outside looking in that I am doing a great job but some days it does not feel like it so I appreciate the encouragement.  I will only truly see the fruits of my labor a long way down the road when I have 3 happy, healthy, well adjusted "adults" and a family that is still together and loving each other.