Holidays Part II

I know it is February but in my world time passes either too slowly or way too quickly sometimes. Too slow when I think about days passing but way too quickly when I spend my time as a single parent being both mom and dad for three normal kids who still have a father, yet I am going in different directions all the time.

The holidays, namely Christmas, I already talked about what goodness I found in the giving of the holiday and kindness of others, so today I wanted to talk about how hard it was to get through what would normally be a joyous and merry time. I tried to make sure things were still OK for the kids, which meant the decorations, the trees, the cookies, church and family ties (and by family ties I mean the people who are my chosen family, not necessarily the blood family).

I put up the trees and decorations mostly by myself knowing that I would have to put them away by myself. That was a task we always shared, he would normally do the lights and I would put on the ornaments. I put up a few decorations outside although I really wanted to shut out the rest of the world. Found joy in making cookies and having fun making a mess in the kitchen. We made up some cookies for gifts for family and friends. So I did struggle with it all but managed to put on the appearance that all was well.

For me the hardest part was going to Christmas services, here we sat as a family and yet we are not a complete family. Part of the holiday was missing, like there was a hole in the middle of it. But I bit my lip and made it through. I had to stay up all by myself putting out the gifts, let me tell you that was not fun. Missing the laughing and talking and giggling, being as excited as the kids would be in the morning. Not this year. Hurry up and finished so I could get to bed because I was tired and I knew I would have to be up early in the morning. I was just walking through the motions. I was doing everything I thought I should be just for the kids.

I am not going to lie, parts of Christmas day were pretty awful. I really had to struggle to make it through, broken garage doors and everything (it is fixed now, I can fix anything because I have too). Friends came by and dragged us out of the house and we spent the best part of the day with them, thank heaven for angles. I did get to talk to my husband 3 times on Christmas day, wow! 45 whole minutes of conversation on the most blessed holiday of the year. Better than nothing I suppose.

I am relieved that it is over and one more year is down, and only a few more to go. So with every passing event brings us one day closer to being a family again. So with the moments of misery, there are moments of clarity when I realize that this will someday be over and I have learned to value what so many take for granted.