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Thursday, June 25, 2009

Calm Seas Ahead

Seems that we have reached a point where things have settled into a routine. The daily activities of living, working and raising a family continue. Grateful that everyday I have the opportunity to wake up, spend time with my children, learn and grow, and continue to strive to be a better person.

Phone calls and letters continue to keep us connected to my husband. Some family continues to offer whatever they can, and I can now start to repay some of the kindnesses shown to me by my friends. Being there for them when they need my help, or offering a shoulder when things are not going so well. I am not sure I could ever repay everyone who has helped me in some form or another, but part of that goal is a "pay it forward" type of idea. Help someone else as others have helped me. Some people may not even know that they were a help or that they made a difference in our lives when we needed them. How do you say thank you to a perfect stranger that you will never see again?

Everyone is still seeing a counselor, because everyday some new thing happens that triggers some new emotions or anxiety, but things seem more manageable these days. It is still a struggle but life is always a struggle, it is just a level of degrees.

Some times it feels that time is dragging by, but other times it feels that this time is only a small blip on the screen of our lifetime here. Putting and keeping things in perspective is what keeps us sane and on the right path, others can be the ones to point out the correct direction as well as try to lead you off in the opposite direction.

Life is a balancing act and finding the right balance is something we all strive for. It is that one thing that gets thrown at you that throws the whole balance off and then how quickly can we right the scales becomes our short term goal.

Friday, June 19, 2009

Two are Better Than One

Shortly after my first son was born, my husband had to attend a three week, out of town training for his job. He came home only one weekend in that whole three weeks. I had one small child and was trying to work a full time job. I had a real hard time balancing everything at that time. It was at that time that I decided that I would do whatever was in my power to never be a single parent. I made a choice at that time that I would do whatever I could to make sure my children had the support and encouragement of 2 parents. That three weeks was the worst three weeks I had ever spent, until recently.

The decision I made after that experience is what kept me with my husband another 14 years. I saw how hard life would be without a partner and knew I did not want to travel down that road. I stayed with him through the rough patches because I knew any rough patch with a partner is better than a rough patch alone. We worked through difficult times, experienced good times and still remained a whole parental unit. It was worth every fight, every argument and every disagreement. The worries were shared, the burdens cut in half, and the pressure was not so intense. The children benefited everyday. If I had not stayed, I would not have 2 more beautiful children that bring me joy every moment of my life.

But now? Now I am that single parent that I struggled so hard to not become. I feel like I have the weight of the world on my shoulders and feel like my legs are giving out from under me. I have no one to share the worries, the stress, and the pressure. It is all mine now. No one to share the joy, the moments of pride, or the quiet moments of reflection and laughter. It is my path to follow alone. What a strange twist of fate, that the one thing in my life that I worked the hardest at, is the one thing in life I failed to keep.

I realize that I am not the first single parent in the world, and that I certainly won't be the last, but I have to wonder why people would choose this path. I was not given a choice, it was chosen for me. I look out at the world and wonder why people seem to give up so easily when things don't seem to be an easy fix. It is easier to walk away than try to fix what is broken I guess, but I have never been one to take the easy road, just the road that would get me where I want to be no matter what direction it took.

My path has taken a drastic turn, but I will continue on it in the hopes that I could still reach the same destination some day, although not the way that I had planned. And yes, I still believe that two are better than one.

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

Not Faith, but Church vs Religion

Some interesting thoughts bouncing around this past week, some may call it a crisis of faith, but faith is not at issue. If it was not for my faith, I would have fallen apart a long time ago. My faith keeps me grounded, sane, offers me something to cling to and keeps me focused on the hope that all will some day be better. So, faith is not a problem, the problem arises when I sit back and consider the expression of that faith.

Not to point fingers at any one denomination, I belong to a christian church in my community and have been a member there for over 12 years. I have been active in different groups and programs throughout my time there. My children attend all the children's programs and studies and actively participate in the services. My husband also attended and participated as well.

When the nightmare started, where were the people from my church family? and where have they been ever since? Even the reverend did not call the house more than once to see how we were doing and then he only spoke to my husband. Don't get me wrong, there have been a small group of 4 or 5 who have tried to keep track of us and make sure everything is going. (notice I did not say "well"...just going). But on a daily basis, the church (of a different denomination) in the town where I work has gone above and beyond to make sure my children and I are doing OK. They have given us grocery gift cards, offering to pay car repairs, bought my washing machine, and tried to help me in any other conceivable way they could. Even going as far as trying to track down local support groups and making themselves available for what ever else I need.

So my question is, Who is the better role model? Who is behaving more Christ like? Who would I want my children to emulate? Is it time for me to consider changing denomination or do I just start attending a church of the same denomination but in a different town? Is it my community church that is so lacking or is it my religion?

Maybe the grander question or lesson is for me to take this opportunity to teach those in my home church where they have fallen short. I sit back and watch them glorify themselves at the time and effort put in to remodeling the building when it is so evident that there are so many more within their own community that are in need and I am not just referring to my family. Why is it so many only practice their religion when they are in the building? What about when you are in the community, with your family or even at work. The people who take the opportunity to be of service within their daily lives are a much better model of what it truly means to be a christian or a person of faith.

I have certainly learned from this that I too want to be a better person all the time. To reach out to those less fortunate and at a low point in their lives is something I have put into practice. I am volunteering my time in groups that can benefit from my knowledge and experience to help and serve others in need. I am always looking for the opportunities that allow me to exercise the motto "what you do onto the least of my people, you do on to me".

Maybe this is all part of the lessons that I am meant to learn, now it is up to me to figure out where that lesson will take me. No more answers here, what else is new, but something a little more profound to ponder.

Monday, June 1, 2009

Another Rough Patch

Just when the sun starts to come out another storm manages to blow through. Where to begin? It all started with good news...my husband's Aunt (although she is much closer in age to my husband than his father) called to offer to drive me and my kids down to Virginia in July to see my husband. What great news! The kids were excited and so was I, seemed like things were finally getting better.

But wait...Wednesday my daughter called me at work to tell me that all the electricity was off and there was a note saying that the electric company had shut it off. How? I had paid the minimum to avoid shut off by the date on my notice. "You still owe us more money so we can" was the response I was given. "We can not do a repayment plan because your husbands name is on the account, we can only offer a plan to him". Good luck with that. I had to pay the entire amount due to get the electric turned back on. Two days before pay day...do you think I had any money?...no! A friend ended up paying the balance for me, my miracle for the day, oh, but it will take 24 hours to turn the power back on.

All the circuits needed to be off to switch the power back on, but I had no idea what time they would come through so I left the refrigerator switch on. Well, Thursday my daughter calls again to tell me that the electric is still not on and that they left another note saying they could not turn it on because all the switches were not off. Another call, another request and another 24 hours before restoration of power. Well, it pays to have a few friends (and I have a few...not as many as before...but the ones left are great), a friend called his friend who works for the electric company and my electric was turned back on. Hurrah! My miracle for that day.

Did I mention that in the middle of all this was my wedding anniversary, 18 years this year. I got a card from my husband and a friend. That was it, nothing from my family or his. Tell me how you really feel.

Met with my counselor, no public services for me, I make too much for aid but not enough to live go figure. I did get some funds to replace all the spoiled food though, miracle number 3.

Hang on tight because miracle number 4 is a big one. A friend got HIS church group (not my church) to buy me a brand new clothes washer. It not used, not a reconditioned unit, but a brand new washer. They brought it over this past weekend and I got to spend the weekend doing tons of laundry and boy was I ever happy. Who would have thought that a new clothes washer would be a miracle but when you have been going to the laundromat for 6 months with 3 active kids, it is a life saver.

I continue to count my miracles but for the short term the storm clouds are still lingering overhead. I have made it this far, I should be able to keep going...?????